so, this week i read an article that i can’t get out of my mind.  the article is in rolling stone and examines the treatment of sexual assault at the university of virginia.  i went to a university very similar to uva but smaller, and i am sure that many of the things that are described in the article also happened there.

what i can’t get over though, other than just the overall horror of the described events and attitudes toward it, is this: during the start of the article, the author is describing a woman who is getting assaulted by a group of boys in a frat house.  during the assault, one of the guys says to a boy who is having “trouble”, “we all had to do it, so you do too.”  instead of being a random incident, even one that is overlooked and tacitly approved by lack of discipline, this horror has actually become part of the institution.  not only is it NOT criticized or fought against, this act actually makes up the fabric of the organization.  gang rape is a brick that shapes what that house is.

i started to think about the institutions in my life and the lives around me.  my family.  my marriage.  my work.  my church.  i started to wonder how much i had considered each brick in those buildings.  how much i had considered what things that i, and those around me, had INSTITUTIONALIZED as part of our day to day routine.  not that anything in any of those places compares AT ALL to gang rape or systematic sexual assault.  the things i am thinking about are GRAINS OF SAND compared to the beaches of those horrors.  but i still don’t want ugly things to make up any part of the institutions in which i am a part.

the things i am thinking about are far less dramatic than the ones at the fraternity at uva.  the bricks that i want to remove are the judging statement made about those i think “deserve” it because they seem impenitrable.  judging comments that i don’t even recognize because they are simply part of the brickwork that make up who i am.  or the fact that i tell my children every single thing 350 times before they act.  that ignoring someone 349 times, especially a person in charge, is ok at casa rich-e-rich.  how disrespect for someone has become part of the institution.  or lateness.  how everyone seems to think that it is ok to arrive late even though others have been waiting there for quite some time.  (this is a GREAT blog about that.)

clearly, we do not set out to put these bricks in our houses the way we would lay out a herringbone tile pattern.  clearly i do not WANT my children to ignore authority figures.  clearly, the guys who started this fraternity did not say “hey…let’s create a group where gang rape becomes part of the fabric of our group.  great!”  even the boys who joined this house probably didn’t have “systematic attacks on friends” on their pro/con list.  one can assume many of them came from homes just like the ones all around us.  but it still got in there.  it still found a way to become what this house IS.   if it wasn’t already there in each of those boys, there were bricks ugly enough to let this one be its neighbor.  the priorities this house set, these boys set and i have set have allowed ugly bricks to find a way into our buildings.

so now what?  i think the answer is to be INTENTIONAL.  if it’s too late not to let it get mortared in, then we need to be intentional about getting it OUT.  retrain my children to respond the first time — out of respect and simple politeness.  train myself to look to the beauty in everyone instead of letting my snarky jealousness respond instead.  set the priorities of my behavior to match the bricks that i want to lay.

and let’s not stop with only ourselves.  let’s look around to all the communities and groups in which we have influence.  what bricks need chipping away in those?  where in my workplace has the easy road overcome the RIGHT way of doing it?  where have i prioritized efficiency over people?

we all may have different ugly bricks, but i think the solution is the same.  practice, practice, practice.  it’s like andy dufresne scraping his way out of shawshank.  it’s hard and it’s long, but it’s worth it.  let’s all break out a giant poster and a tiny chisel and get to work.

you can take solace in knowing that i am starting first.  and that i probably have a lot more to carve out.  that i will be examining each of my houses for ugly bricks and moving to replace them with lovely ones.  ones like grace and peace and hope.  i will also be examining the non-offensive bricks to see if i am leaving any places where ugly bricks might find a home.  then setting to work to rework the pattern.  hopefully in a hgtv worthy herringbone pattern.

FINALLY, one thing that we call ALL work toward is to have no tolerance for violence against women.  by standing with women who have been assaulted and letting them know that what happened to them is NOT alright.  by demanding that institutions like uva and fsu (etc. etc.) respect them and listen to their voices.  then we must expect those places to act accordingly and justly.  as a mother of a girl, and a boy, i never want either of my children to become a victim, or a perpetrator, of these horrors.  i want them not to know anyone, in any setting, who thinks that this behavior is acceptable.  the time to start the renovation is now.