so this is not a new idea.  not even close.  it’s not even new to this blog.  so, 17 followers, be prepared for some repetition.  for new readers, it’s a combination of these two thoughts, but i just don’t want to and measuring 0.5 on the richter scale.  read them after so this one will seem new.

so my big new thing is small things.  doing small things.  making small choices every day that bring just a hint of lightness to the world.  bring just a bit of beauty to the wasteland.  just do something that is worthy.   and here is my assessment of my new big thing (which is really just a collection of small things): small things STINK sometimes.  LORDY!

in the richter scale blog, i likened my approach to moving pebbles so that eventually a whole boulder could be displaced.  and, conceptually, it is still a really good thing.  my commitment remains high to these tiny little pebbles.  my whiny-ness, however, is also peaking. the pebbles seem to be taking flight and turning into tiny mosquitoes taking so many little bites that i am becoming bloodless. because even small things require a good bit of diligence and a great bit of just DOING IT. i find those things to be very slippery.

here is a perfect example.  today, i had to have a conversation with someone that i don’t know about something that doesn’t really matter.  but, in the conversation, the person was acting like 1. they were the renowned expert on this topic and 2. in my work on this project, by not following their exact instructions, i had somehow allowed great travesties to take place.  the project is almost finished.  it is actually super good.  this person has no knowledge and no insight that is especially useful to its accomplishment.  but i was still on the phone having this conversation.

what i should have done, what an Elizabeth full of grace and empathy for someone who clearly needs to find self-worth in things around her would have done, was just to be kind.  respond in a kind way to her comments, keep my negative thoughts to myself and move forward.   no one would have known about my grace to her nor should anyone have known.  but the world could have been a bit lighter because i was there.  is that what i did?  and, no.  OH,  no. no. no.

what did i do?  i complained about her.  i sent a totally cheeky email to another person working on the project.  i ate peanut m&ms to alleviate my suffering.  i don’t think person A knows about any of that, but you know when you have the moment of “did i send that email to the wrong person?” that you have not been at your best.  that is like a UNIVERSAL sign that you should have been kinder.  (btw, i DID only send it to the people that were intended to receive it.  thanks to the HEAVENS!)

which leads me to my second repetitive thought.  if i want to do these small good things, if i want to have positive change, if i want the world to be lighter and brighter because i lived in it, if i want to move forward with any evolution, i am actually just going to have to DO IT.  i am actually going to have to just bite the bullet and do it.  i am actually going to have to be nice to the person who is annoying me.  i am actually going to have to STOP doing the things that hinder me.  i am actually going to have to make good choices.  day after day.

i almost think that big foes can sometimes be easier to face.  if i were asked to move a boulder, i would gather my tools, enlist help, formulate a plan…i would give it no mercy.  “BOULDER BE DAMNED” i would cry!  but the pebbles don’t require all of that.   in my mind, they don’t require tools.  they don’t require help.  they don’t require a plan.  they just require moving….one by one….moving moving moving.  even if they do turn into mosquitoes.  you just smoosh them when they land on your arm.  it’s not like you need a FENCE to keep them out or a sword to slay them.

but it’s these little things that make us the most tired.  after moving 10,000 pebbles, i bet your arms feel like mine did after kayaking for a whole day when i thought the muscle was separating from the bone.  a boulder you would move with some sort of construction vehicle.  (note to you:  i have no idea which one but we call them all tractors.)  while i used my tractor, all the traffic on 275 would have to slow to watch me as if the cars were being driven by toddlers.  with my construction team and my big tractor, that boulder would be moved in no time.   to slay a dragon, i would enlist knights, mount my steed and be done with him. but pebbles and mosquitoes can be exhausting.  they take more PERSISTENCE.  and actually, they take a plan.  they take help. they need tools.  i think i had just overlooked that.

i had overlooked that the best way to keep the blood in your arms is to wear mosquito spray.  the best way to move pebbles (in my mind, at least) is to ask a friend over and do it while sharing a cocktail.  to ensure you don’t get too exhausted, you need to remain connected to your source of strength and a tall glass of water.   because then, and only then, will you be able to make each choice a good one.  because that’s what all of these things are.  a collection of small decisions.  the decision NOT to be ugly about the difficult person.  the decision to spend a little while praying for someone instead of reading some useless article.  the decision NOT to eat peanut m&ms in the middle of the day.  all of these eventually add up to the boulder sized pile of pebbles.

otherwise, they just make you tired.  after like 10 of them, you just STOP doing it.  you sit down.  you write a snarky email.  you forget to ask your friend how her appointment went.  but sitting down is not where the good things are.  good things come after carrying pebble after pebble.  after pebble.   after pebble.  you just have to keep picking up the next one when the last one is finished.

i am going to get to it.