something totally disgusting happened today.  cricket, adorable creature she usually is, was sick.  i woke up to her throwing up in our bathroom.  we don’t have a door between the bathroom and bedroom in our room, so i had a front seat to this unpleasant moment.  then she came to lay down with me in our bed.  a bit later, i realized that she was going to be sick again.  without a thought, i actually put out my hands for her to throw up into rather than have her puke all over our bed.  let’s revisit that.  i put out my HANDS for someone to THROW UP into.  that happened.

when i got to thinking about it, after i washed my hands and generally disinfected in all possible ways, this gross moment made me realize a little bit of something.  a little bit of something much more interesting than throw up in one’s hand.  a little bit of something about how i might be limiting myself by defining myself too narrowly.

to clarify, this activity is not something that i enjoy.   this is not something that i strive to do.  in fact, had you asked me seven years ago if i would EVER put out my HANDS for someone to even throw up TOWARDS i would have said a decided “no.”  a big, giant, humongous, non-malleable “no” on that one.   in fact, if you had even started throwing up and i could hear you, i would have fled the premises as quickly as possible.  and yet, this morning, i did THIS INCREDIBLY GROSS THING.

my definition of self certainly includes “person who does not like discussing, knowing of, or dealing with bodily functions in any way.” but it would appear that the definition i had written for myself wasn’t quite broad enough. there must be a sub-clause that allows for extreme cases such as this morning. because it happened.

so i began to wonder, what other things could i do with the right motivation?  what sub-clauses have i been ignoring?  if this little face makes this disgusting thing within the world of the possible, what other, non-foul, actually good things could be possible if only i could find the right replacement for this little face?

i began by looking at all the ways i had defined myself.  i started to think about the things i tell myself ABOUT myself.  i cataloged the things i use to make decisions about what i will and won’t try.  what i will and won’t risk.  what i will and won’t hope. because maybe, just maybe, i’m evolving.  maybe that definition needs an update or two.

for example, i always say at work “i am totally crap fundraiser.”  which, for the most part, is true.  but what if i altered my definition to allow more possibilities?  what if instead i said “i am working on realizing how to share the vision more effectively so that people want to provide resources”?  it’s still TRUE, but it allows for some small steps.   it doesn’t eliminate the possibility for growth and success.  it would allow me to start at the beginning.  and with the right motivation, like helping people have better lives, i could get it done.  i could put out my hands.  i could, step by step, add breadth to my definition.

so what about you?  does your self definition need some updating?  that maybe some of things that you tell yourself (“that’s just not me” and  “i could NEVER manage that” or “i just am not good enough at it”) are outdated.  maybe the definition is too small.

i am certainly not encouraging you to include things that are of no interest (“lover of marathons” has no chance in my definition.)  we all do have things that define us.  i love to sew.  i don’t love when no one has a plan.  i love funny people.   but maybe some things i thought were out of reach aren’t quite as impossible as they seem.

so now to action.  i think step one is reaching out to our sources.   whatever they are.  my big one is God.  if He isn’t yours, then find others.  i will also be finding family, research, and people who know what they are doing to help me on my way.  step two is actually STEP.  do it.  if we can’t do all of it in one effort, we can do something. it’s probably not a great idea to have someone drop you off 26.2 miles from safety because you want to run a marathon. but maybe you could look up a training schedule online.  do day one.  then maybe day two.

this could really open crazy cool things.  if you open your definition, the possibilities are endless.  if we can look outside how we have always seen ourselves, the whole world could be ours.  i am excited to see what can be done.  we could climb every mountain!  (or at the very least, we could climb the very attractive ones with specialty cocktails at the top!)  and it all started with something so GROSS!

note to lovers of cricket:  she is still not super well.  but she has been positioned in front of endless animated films and given a throw up bowl.  so, she’s better than she was.  and so am i.  i’m sure tomorrow she will be great!

last night, i had a glass of wine and split a caprese salad with my friend christina while our kids were at a church program.  (secretly, we were supposed to be watching a women’s bible study video, but we skipped. luckily, we are grown ups and there are no longer attendance requirements!)

during dinner, we started talking about the recent killing of 21 christians by ISIS militants.  i, of course, have not been following it very closely because i try to avoid all things unpleasant.  as she was explaining the situation to me, she was pointing out that everyone has been talking about how sad it is for the CHRISTIANS who were killed when really it is the KILLERS for whom we should feel sadly.   and over a tomato and a smooshed grape, i thought “she is EXACTLY right”.

here’s the thinking.  if what i believe is true (which clearly i think it is), then the christians have just won it.  they are with jesus.  in heaven.  in fact, God confirms this when paul writes in phillipians 1:21 that “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”  so they have gained.  now they only know grace, love and peace.   we can certainly be sad for their families and pray that it doesn’t happen again, but, for those 21, the fight is over. and they win.  

those who are doing the killing, though, are truly oppressed.  they do not know grace or love or peace that comes from knowing the Lord.   they are looking for meaning by killing and hurting and meanness, and i bet they feel emptier and emptier rather than fuller and fuller.   as they seek righteousness and peace, they get further and further away from it.  they have no connection to the prince of peace, to the one who made them fearfully and wonderfully.  they have no idea that someone loved them enough to send His son for them.   they don’t know.

you know i have a total thing for corrie ten boom.  she lived in holland during WWII, and she and her sister were put into a concentration camp for hiding jews.   her father was killed.  in her book, a hiding place, she writes about how her sister would look around the camp and her heart would break.    but her heart wasn’t breaking for those in the camp.  it broke for those RUNNING it.   because she knew that they were the FURTHEST from love, peace and grace.  she, and the others in the camp, could rest in the love of Jesus for them and the peace that passes all understanding.   but not them.

i am not saying that violence be condoned.   or encouraged.  i am certainly not saying that we should not be praying EVERY MINUTE that this ends and that all Christians in the world are safe.  we should ABSOLUTELY be doing that.  but i think that we should not forget that we are called to love our enemies.   to pray for them.   to worry about them.  even when that seems like the exactly wrong thing to do.

in fact, even jesus agrees with me.  in matthew 5, he says, “…You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.”  he didn’t call us to rise up in righteous anger.  he called us to LOVE.

actually, speaking of paul, he is a great example of just that.  he started as a religious person who was involved in killing christians.  sound familiar?  the man who wrote most of the new testament was actually one of the guys watching as they stoned steven.  he was JUST LIKE those who were killing today.  he was serving a god as he understood it even if that meant violence and persecution.  and look at the plan God had for him.  think of what he could have on tap for some of these guys.  if only they could find Him.

so, here is what i think i need to do.  pray for those that are persecuting and those who are persecuted.  pray that those who are wielding violence and death would meet He who will extend grace to them.  that they will know that they are righteous not through their ability to make war but just by accepting grace.   that they would know that He loves them and that they don’t have to destroy to earn his approval.  even if it would seem to take an OCEAN of grace, there is enough.   there are, in fact, oceans of grace.  enough for me and enough for them.  even if it feels wrong to pray for them, i need to be love to them. even when i would rather not.

i encourage you to do the same.  if you don’t pray, just send good vibes their way.  if you aren’t a good vibe sender, think of a way to love they unlovable however that looks in your world.

in fact, this determination could go even further.  if we can love those who are actively torturing and killing people, think how we could love all the less evil enemies.  how we can love our enemy in SOME way even if that enemy is just the guy in the car in front of you who just cut you off.  imagine what a difference we will make.

so…i’ve been thinking about check boxes. i know what you are thinking “FASCINATING!  i adore the check box!”  probably not so much, but here is WHY i have been thinking about them.   we all have certain characteristics that fit well into a check box.  age, race, sex, sexual orientation, education, employment and marital status are all things that we answer without hesitation on any form.  (i am secretly an over-thinker on the form, but this should come as no surprise!)

but lately, i have been thinking less of them in a form setting and more in them in my active interaction with people.  with all the discussions about civil rights lately, i started to notice something about the way i relate to people that was distressing to me. i realized, despite all my desire to the contrary, that i made judgments about people based on characteristics of groups that i thought they belonged.  i assigned them value as related to their check boxes. i use some seriously arbitrary and irrelevant markers to make assumptions about people.  even some good assumptions i made were made based on a random association with a people group rather than a truth based on the actual person standing in front of me.

here’s an example of what i mean.  a friend walks up to me with someone.  while she approaches, i start to formulate an opinion of her based on the way she’s dressed, her race, her weight, etc.  once she opens her mouth, i make even more additions to my check list.  college?  job?  funny?   it’s been about 35 seconds and i have already have a pretty good idea of whether i will make any further investment.

and what’s on this checklist that i come bearing?  even though i am totally ashamed to admit it, i use a number of arbitrary standards to judge a person: whether they are well-dressed, what they do for a living, where they live, how much education they have completed, how well they articulate. and it’s a slippery slope because if you are TOO well dressed, then i decide you are shallow.  on weight, there is a unreasonably small ledge on which one can perch.  too chubby?  bad.   too thin?  bad.  totally ridiculous?  ummm…yeah.   especially since i know all sorts of people at all sorts of weights and with all sorts of styles and all sorts of education levels and all sorts of races and all sort of marital statuses who i absolutely ADORE and cannot even believe that they are friends with me i love them so much.  yet despite this evidence to the contrary, i still remain holding my imaginary clipboard.

as i consider it, i know that part of this process is not likely to change.  i clearly am not going to know everyone the minute they approach me.  however, what i can control are the check boxes i am using to make my initial determinations.  what things SHOULD be on the form that i am filling out about each new person i encounter?  that is a tricky one.

when i lived in dc, i dated a guy who lived in new york.  i thought it was interesting that the first question that everyone asked in dc was “where do you work?”   employment, and by extension education and intelligence, was the most important check box.  in new york, it was “where do you live?”  location with all its implied meaning was the easiest way to sort people. in college, we sorted by fraternity.  we assumed that you could tell the most about someone based on what house they chose.

it always intrigued me.   how can one MEANINGFULLY sort people?  what bits of information will tell me the things that i need to know to sort people into manageable groups?  what i really want to do is to see how everyone treats a waiter and an older person and someone they don’t like.  see everyone in an airport right after their flight is delayed.  unfortunately, it’s unlikely that i am going to be able to convince someone serving drinks, turning 85 and annoying to everyone to be with me at all times in an airport setting.   selfish octogenarian servers.

but, back to the form, here are the check boxes i am considering:

1. do they seem to love grace too?
2. are they kind to other people?
3. is what they say engaging?  funny?  (sorry, kiddos, but funny stays!)
4. have they seen the princess bride?  follow project runway?  enjoy mexican food and the specialty cocktail? (it can’t all be high brow, my loves!)

i’ll let you know how my experiment works.  how i do replacing totally archaic measuring sticks like weight and social class and race with things that might actually let me know if this person is someone i might enjoy.  i feel like i am turning in my abacus and getting a graphing calculator.   (rock ON sine and cosine!)  i know it will take some work to recognize the assumptions i make and dismiss them. but a worthy effort to stop seeing people as part of a GROUP and start see them as just one soul.  the way i hope they see me too.

so, here goes. 

what would be on your list?   what are you using now?  let me know. 

after rereading, i realize there is not an undertone of grace anywhere in this discussion.  so I will need to remember that too.  that my assessment will need to have a wide margin for error and a lot of room to move.   even if it makes me nervous to like more than eight people simultaneously.   because if you can’t be gracious when you are arbitrarily judging people, when can you?

   quick note:

i am taking a blogging class.  because having a job and being a mother and even starting a new business did not keep me as overwhelmed as i like to be, i am adding this.  i tell you that to say that hopefully, as a result of my learning, my blog will be getting better.   i would love it if you would let me know the things that you love and hate about my blog.  all comments are encouraged!  i promise you will not hurt my feelings.  in fact, you can use the new “talk to me” link if you want to chime in!