so, i was thinking the other day about my children.   in the shower.  not my children being IN the shower, but i was thinking about them while i was alone in the shower.  (thank HEAVENS for those 10 minutes. all. by. myself.)  and i was thinking about all the ways i am total failure as a mother and starting to make a long list of the things that my children would suffer as a result of having me for a mother.  (clearly i should have at this point jumped out of the shower and been prosecuted by the “free time” police for such a tragic misuse.  but i digress.)   just as i was getting really discouraged, i had a truly freeing thought.   a thought even more freeing than being alone in a shower.    God’s grace is sufficient EVEN for my children.

a little background.  i am a big God person.  i love Him.  He loves me.  He and i go WAY back.  and whenever something comes up in my life, i always rely on the fact that He has promised that His grace will be sufficient.  grace will be delivered in a way that i will survive whatever comes my way.  maybe not avoid, maybe not enjoy, but i will come out on the other side.   things might bend me but they will not break me.  so on God’s grace as it applies to me, i am totally fixed.

but for some reason, i don’t apply this same reasoning to my children.  i worry that if i don’t give them enough fruit, or i give them too many chips, their entire lives will be warped.  i can just see chubby thems walking down a hallway full of mean middle schoolers blaming me and my damn chips with every step.  “oh, for an apple!” they will cry in distress.  or they will be forever damaged because for two minutes i wanted to watch project runway rather than give them my full attention.  i cover tiny cricket in her beloved “stickers” (aka tattoos), her need for which were the direct result the one time when the pre-finale of project runway ruined her life.  i make myself so large in their lives that i have left no room for God’s grace.  because, although i would like to keep it all to myself, God has enough grace for them too.  God’s grace is sufficient for a kid whose mom CANNOT successfully catch a football and gets so bruised trying that she has to give up.  God’s grace is sufficient for a kid whose mom occasionally wants to just read TWO MORE PAGES.  even those children will not exceed the limits of God’s grace.

in fact, beyond all good sense, God is the one who gave these crazies to me.  He had a plan for them from before they were born, and this plan included ME!     he could have given them to anyone, and He knew that my husband and i were the best two for them.  so strange!

to note: i am not saying that i should not pay attention to my children or strive to give them more fruit.  clearly i support both produce and quality time.  i just think that i have been forgetting that i am not the one who loves them best.   my finite love cannot compare to God’s adoration of my children.  and my errors, however hideous, will not be too big for Him and His grace for my two beauties.  i need to remember to see my role as it is…an important one, but not the biggest one.   not the make or break one.   just one.

and i know that i am not the only one who feels this way.  i sat with a girl the other day who is INCREDIBLE and you could tell she was totally fretting about being able to be all that her children need.  this is a woman whose children wear monogrammed clothing and who i am SURE would not let her daughter wear her older brother’s jeans and just call them “boyfriend cut.”  so i can’t be the only one for whom this applies.

so i encourage you to remember God’s grace as it applies to those in your life who you worry for and about.  remember that His grace is sufficient for them.  you are not so terrible that you could outpace the grace He has for them.   nor are you good enough to have enough grace to cover them.  only He has that kind of grace.  only He can walk with them right down the hallway with the mean middle schoolers or sit next to them in the tattoo parlor.   feel free knowing He will.

(this photo is in front of their fresh produce making plants!  see!  sometimes i do good things.  i just need to remember that their lives are not made or lost by me!)

i’m bored.  which is interesting.  my number one complaint in life is lack of time.  but right now, i am stuck somewhere and can’t connect to my work desktop and i find myself totally overwhelmed with boredom.  given five seconds with nothing to do, rather than finding rest or peace, i am finding it totally boring.  if i had a straw, i would be making spitballs and shooting them at people now.  (i will not reveal my location, but i can tell you that would be HILARIOUS!)   maybe i should complain less about boredom and keep this little memory stored away.   when i am desperate for one more second, i shall draw up my memory of this dreary wasteland.

what shall i do to fight this boredom?  i shall consume mass quantities of celebrity gossip.  lots of it.  i shall read all of jennifer lawrence’s reactions to one time being told she was chubby.   and then when i tire of that, i shall consume beauty tips i shall never use.  how to create the perfect fishtail braid?   watching it.  i will be not be deterred by the fact that my hair is almost mia farrow short.  

tomorrow, you will have to ask me how i survived.  have i discovered the secret to kim and kanye’s longevity (i mean like almost a YEAR)?  can i now create the perfect smoky eye using only sidewalk chalk?  we shall see….

last night, i cleaned our turtle tank.  we have two turtles that used to be tiny and are now humongous.  they live in a 40 gallon fish tank.  quite frankly, if there was a group that looked out for the rights of turtles, i am sure these two would already be living somewhere better.  but i don’t think there is such a group, so they are stuck with us.  at least they seem happy.

in case you are wondering, i was cleaning the turtle tank at 10:30 pm.  the family rich-e-rich had an exciting day wherein helicopter, brother dearest, had given a golf club a great swing and sliced it right into his sister’s noggin.  five stitches and three hours later, she was repaired.  but her mother (i.e. me) still felt compelled to wake her after four hours of sleeping despite any indications WHATSOEVER that there was ANY CHANCE of a concussion.  too many nfl stories, clearly. so up was i until 11:30 to wake her.

cleaning a turtle tank is just about as disgusting as you can possibly imagine.  imagine trying to clean a POND.  especially when one has not cleaned said turtle tank for a few months.  (please see above note re: turtle intervention.)  luckily for me (and for the turtles), i have this hose that attaches to the sink and sucks the old water out and then puts the new water in.   while the hose is sucking the nasty water out, sometimes disgusting water gathers in the sink because the tiny sink drain is not up for the challenge of all the water.  such was the case last night.

so while i was keeping the sink from overflowing during the late night turtle tank cleaning, i was staring into the sink and noticed something.   there is a little hole in our sink that keeps it from overflowing.  realistically, i know that there is one of these in every sink.  but, until last night when it was helping me speed up the turtle water situation, i had never really thought about it.   in this case, it was amazingly useful.   it allowed me to work faster but without filling my entire bathroom with nastiness.

but, of course, i started thinking.  i really want to be an overflowing person.  i want to be the crazy sink with the water flowing out of every side.  i want to overflow with grace.  i want to overflow with joy.  i want to overflow with kindness.   i want to overflow with empathy.  i want everyone around me to be drowning in the grace, joy, kindness, empathy and love that flows out of me.  NOTE:  i do NOT want to overflow with disgusting turtle water.

but i don’t.  i don’t often overflow with any of these things.  sometimes, i intentionally give some of these to those around me.  but it is measured cups.  not so present that i have no choice but to dampen you with it.  so i wondered…what was my little hole that kept me from overflowing?   did i have more than one?   what are the things that i let rob me of my joy?  my empathy?  my graciousness?

i can certainly think of some likely suspects.  comparisons rob me of my empathy.  when i compare myself unfavorably to someone, i definitely feel less empathy for her.   selfishness robs me of joy.   when i am thinking only of myself, i see only the things that i DON’T have rather than all the things that i do.  when i am looking at and serving those around me, i am much more likely to feel joyful.

a pastor i know once spoke about how if someone was trying to steal your refrigerator, you would intervene.  but when things like empathy, kindness, joy and grace are being robbed, we are less outraged.  but i should be.  i should look around to all these little thieves and take back what is mine.  then my sink would be so full that no one could be near me without being SOAKED!   and part of that is being constantly connected to the faucet of these things.  but it also takes a wise eye fixed on the holes that have crept in.   and i plan to be on the lookout!

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