so this is not a new idea.  not even close.  it’s not even new to this blog.  so, 17 followers, be prepared for some repetition.  for new readers, it’s a combination of these two thoughts, but i just don’t want to and measuring 0.5 on the richter scale.  read them after so this one will seem new.

so my big new thing is small things.  doing small things.  making small choices every day that bring just a hint of lightness to the world.  bring just a bit of beauty to the wasteland.  just do something that is worthy.   and here is my assessment of my new big thing (which is really just a collection of small things): small things STINK sometimes.  LORDY!

in the richter scale blog, i likened my approach to moving pebbles so that eventually a whole boulder could be displaced.  and, conceptually, it is still a really good thing.  my commitment remains high to these tiny little pebbles.  my whiny-ness, however, is also peaking. the pebbles seem to be taking flight and turning into tiny mosquitoes taking so many little bites that i am becoming bloodless. because even small things require a good bit of diligence and a great bit of just DOING IT. i find those things to be very slippery.

here is a perfect example.  today, i had to have a conversation with someone that i don’t know about something that doesn’t really matter.  but, in the conversation, the person was acting like 1. they were the renowned expert on this topic and 2. in my work on this project, by not following their exact instructions, i had somehow allowed great travesties to take place.  the project is almost finished.  it is actually super good.  this person has no knowledge and no insight that is especially useful to its accomplishment.  but i was still on the phone having this conversation.

what i should have done, what an Elizabeth full of grace and empathy for someone who clearly needs to find self-worth in things around her would have done, was just to be kind.  respond in a kind way to her comments, keep my negative thoughts to myself and move forward.   no one would have known about my grace to her nor should anyone have known.  but the world could have been a bit lighter because i was there.  is that what i did?  and, no.  OH,  no. no. no.

what did i do?  i complained about her.  i sent a totally cheeky email to another person working on the project.  i ate peanut m&ms to alleviate my suffering.  i don’t think person A knows about any of that, but you know when you have the moment of “did i send that email to the wrong person?” that you have not been at your best.  that is like a UNIVERSAL sign that you should have been kinder.  (btw, i DID only send it to the people that were intended to receive it.  thanks to the HEAVENS!)

which leads me to my second repetitive thought.  if i want to do these small good things, if i want to have positive change, if i want the world to be lighter and brighter because i lived in it, if i want to move forward with any evolution, i am actually just going to have to DO IT.  i am actually going to have to just bite the bullet and do it.  i am actually going to have to be nice to the person who is annoying me.  i am actually going to have to STOP doing the things that hinder me.  i am actually going to have to make good choices.  day after day.

i almost think that big foes can sometimes be easier to face.  if i were asked to move a boulder, i would gather my tools, enlist help, formulate a plan…i would give it no mercy.  “BOULDER BE DAMNED” i would cry!  but the pebbles don’t require all of that.   in my mind, they don’t require tools.  they don’t require help.  they don’t require a plan.  they just require moving….one by one….moving moving moving.  even if they do turn into mosquitoes.  you just smoosh them when they land on your arm.  it’s not like you need a FENCE to keep them out or a sword to slay them.

but it’s these little things that make us the most tired.  after moving 10,000 pebbles, i bet your arms feel like mine did after kayaking for a whole day when i thought the muscle was separating from the bone.  a boulder you would move with some sort of construction vehicle.  (note to you:  i have no idea which one but we call them all tractors.)  while i used my tractor, all the traffic on 275 would have to slow to watch me as if the cars were being driven by toddlers.  with my construction team and my big tractor, that boulder would be moved in no time.   to slay a dragon, i would enlist knights, mount my steed and be done with him. but pebbles and mosquitoes can be exhausting.  they take more PERSISTENCE.  and actually, they take a plan.  they take help. they need tools.  i think i had just overlooked that.

i had overlooked that the best way to keep the blood in your arms is to wear mosquito spray.  the best way to move pebbles (in my mind, at least) is to ask a friend over and do it while sharing a cocktail.  to ensure you don’t get too exhausted, you need to remain connected to your source of strength and a tall glass of water.   because then, and only then, will you be able to make each choice a good one.  because that’s what all of these things are.  a collection of small decisions.  the decision NOT to be ugly about the difficult person.  the decision to spend a little while praying for someone instead of reading some useless article.  the decision NOT to eat peanut m&ms in the middle of the day.  all of these eventually add up to the boulder sized pile of pebbles.

otherwise, they just make you tired.  after like 10 of them, you just STOP doing it.  you sit down.  you write a snarky email.  you forget to ask your friend how her appointment went.  but sitting down is not where the good things are.  good things come after carrying pebble after pebble.  after pebble.   after pebble.  you just have to keep picking up the next one when the last one is finished.

i am going to get to it.

 

today, i had an interesting day at work.  in case you don’t know, i work at a small nonprofit that helps develop self-sufficient communities, three strand cord.  part of developing self-sufficiency is creating economic opportunities.  part of that, for us at least, is giving small loans so that worthy entrepreneurs can start and improve their businesses.

so, in the last few weeks, we have been discussing one woman who owns a small food stand where she sells chicken and plantains in port au prince.  she makes about $150 profit a month which is a solid income. coupled with working part time as a cleaner, she uses this money to support her five children and two children who belong to her deceased sister.  from the start, i admired her tenacity.

then, the committee who makes these decisions decided to give her a small loan to help her business: to help her fix her freezer and to buy a larger grill to cook more food.  awesome, i thought.  this woman is a good business woman, and she seems like a good investment.  yay for us.

today, our operations director in port au prince sent in the loan agreement documentation.  essentially, it says “we give you the money and you agree to pay us back on this schedule.”  i opened it, just to review, and i was stopped in my tracks.  on this totally boring form stood an amazing revelation for me, and it looked like this:

this woman — a woman who was supporting a family of eight with her own ingenuity and her own gumption — can’t write.  she cannot even sign her own name.  likely, she can’t read.  no one took the time to give her the training that i have already provided for my five year old son.  and yet…  

i actually started to cry.  i started to think about how this woman has every excuse to bemoan her lot in life.  she lives in a hard country.  she lives in a tough city.  she has children that are not her own.  she hasn’t even a basic education.  and yet…

and yet, she has created a successful business and found resources to support her family.  and yet, rather than complain, she has acted.

the more i thought about this amazing woman, the more i wanted that to be said of me.  and yet…

but how do i do that?  i realized a good first step was to stop seeing the complications and troubles in my life as stop signs and start seeing them as speed bumps. begin to know that no matter what i fear that i am lacking that God has promised that he is made perfect in my weakness.  to remind myself that grace surrounds me.

the speed bumps i have are far less daunting than this woman’s.  i have a master’s degree.  i have no one else’s kids at my house.  i live in a great country that provides all sorts of services to people.  i have a great family.   my speed bumps look more like 15 extra pounds.  they look like a overwhelming fear of talking to people about money.   they look like an inability to find my keys.  sometimes, they are more daunting.  they look like chronic illness.   and yet…

i am looking forward to writing that part of the sentence; looking forward to all that will be said after the “and yet”.  the first part is written for me.  the challenges and complications are already there.  the exciting possibilities lay in the second half.  after the “and yet.” the second part is up to me to determine.

i challenge you to consider this as well.  what have you been giving too much space in your sentence?  where have you used a period when you should have used a comma?   what do you want to follow your and yet…?  it’s exciting to think about what is possible.

i have noticed something different about my thinking lately. in fact, this new way of thinking represents a seismic shift from how i have always thought. and the weird part is that i don’t know when the change happened. when the earthquake struck. it must have been a really small one.  but the change is dramatic.

here is of what i speak. i have always thought (although hopefully did not SAY a lot) that i wanted to do BIG things. things of which people would take note. WHAT things i would do was more of a grey area, but the size of them would be startling. possibilities include things like writing a novel which would become a best seller. star in a reality show. write bible studies that Beth Moore would complete in her spare time. run a multi-million dollar organization that helped gillions of people and led to many Today show appearances for me to talk about the plight of the less fortunate. just reasonable things like that.

clearly, i have made almost NO effort on any of these fronts. so, not only would i do big things but i would accomplish them almost by accident. this effortless achievement and impact would make me SO relate-able that Oprah would have to have me on. “how did you DO it all?” she would ask. “i have NO IDEA!” i would reply conspiratorially.

so, as i approach 40, i am realizing that it is likely that nothing BIG is in my future. Oprah doesn’t even still have a show. but that is not the seismic shift. that is just reality. the seismic shift is different.

this week, i was facebook stalking a sorority sister of mine. (i totally confess to being a facebook stalker.  but if you put stuff up, you need to expect someone to read it!  anyway…)  she was only really someone i knew in college tangentially, but i got interested in her because my reunion is looming. (it’s in TWO WEEKS!  egad!) i was thinking about faces of the past. this gal has really done big things. she has already started two multi-million dollar companies. she sold one when she was under 30. looking at her, one is FORCED to wonder “what the HELL have i been doing with my time?”

then i realized. (this is the seismic shift part). i don’t want to do BIG things.  i don’t want to write a novel or win the Nobel prize or be on the Today show.  i don’t want what goes along with those things good or bad. i don’t want publicity, i don’t want a ton of money, i don’t want all that responsibility to be a good leader. i want none of it.  instead,  i want to do small things.

now, don’t misread. i don’t want to do NOTHING. i want to do small, often-unnoticed things. i want to pray for those in need of divine intervention. in my car. when i am all alone. i want to encourage one friend with an email or a text message. i want to be the one who is cleaning up the tables after the really good speaker talks. i do NOT want to be the homeroom mom (i have been one for TWO YEARS and i SUCK!) but i want to be jobs like that in which you push forward the class in a mostly-unseen way.  i even thought about whether blogging was contrary to my small-things desire. but i think God wants me to say certain things.  so i will.

if you know me AT ALL, this is probably sounding strange. it sounds strange even to me. but i think that true love and true grace are found in the small things. peace is found there. love, grace and peace are not found there just for me but for other people.  oddly, this is truly what my heart WANTS.

and small things ABOUND.  they are everywhere waiting to be done.   you don’t get to do just one of them or TWO of them if you are my super impressive sorority sister. you can do LOTS of them.  there is always a child to whom you could be kind.  just one little one who could use a smiling face or a room in your house. a single mother to whom you could offer your help.  one mom whose children you could take long enough for her to find her sanity. you could do some EVERY SINGLE DAY and still have time for an after dinner cocktail.  now that’s what i’m talking about!!

now for you, i want you to do big things.  i want you to be world changers and idea makers and status quo shakers.  i want you to move huge boulders and bring down the walls that separate.   i want you on my television and in my news feed and all over everywhere.  and i want to love you from here.  moving my one small stone at a time.  hopefully being content with the stone moving since there will be much fewer stickers over here.   less gold stars and fewer grey dots.  and i am hoping to be just fine with that.  (if i come running over to you begging you to say something nice or notice something, remind me of this blog!)  i am hoping that one day i have moved so many small stones that they are nearly as big as a boulder.

i also leave you with a challenge.  while you are on your way to moving big boulders and tearing down high walls, why don’t you move a couple of small stones, too?  maybe you will see me there.  maybe you and i can chat as we move pebbles from one pile to another.   we can discuss important things like what your children are wearing for Easter and how much candy can one allow without qualifying as worst-parent-ever.  it will be fabulous.  if it’s after 5, i’ll even make you an after dinner cocktail in the spirit of small things. i can’t wait!