hello, everyone!  this is going to be a short one, but i had a thought and i thought i might record it.  i have not been following the michael brown thing at all.  not at all.  which is strange because my brother lives in st. louis but i think i have been busily planning birthdays and things and just have not been paying attention.  which is to my complete discredit.  but this morning, as everyone has been talking about it, i have been thinking a bit more about it.

i certainly, as someone who knows almost none of the facts, don’t have a “side”.  i didn’t even realize that in questions like this that there were “sides.”  but there definitely seem to be.  i simply want to be on the side of love.  i want to everyone to know love and grace and hope.  i want to love everyone in my community no matter what color they are and no matter whether they are “good kids” or not.  i want to love people who keep us safe even if sometimes they make mistakes while doing so.

martin luther king jr. said “darkness cannot drive out darkness.  only LIGHT can do that.  hate cannot drive out hate.  only LOVE can do that.”  i know that to be true.  and i want to be the light and the love in this dark situation so filled with emotion.  so, here is my question.  the one that i will be working out over the next few weeks/months/years/decades.  what does love DO?  what does light DO?  how can i show people of color in my community that i love them?  how do i love those who serve us?   what does the light and love look like practically?  because my temptation is to do nothing.  to sit back and let the “sides” duke it out.  but i KNOW that is not what light and love do.   love and light act.

so i encourage you to work out with me what love and light can do in these situations.  what would light and love do to counteract the long term effects of racism?  how do i tell someone who is so frustrated with the world that they want to be act violently that i love them?  what light and love can i show that will encourage those who sacrifice to protect me?  what would light and love do to show anyone who is marginalized that they are important to me?   that they are important to God?  so many possible reactions just seem fraught with uncertainly.  speaking loudly seems to invite argument.  moving in any direction seems to imply “choosing a side”.  but sitting still and not speaking seem like the coward’s way out.  i know that if i seek the truth, i’ll find it, so when i come with anything, i’ll let you know!   and you let me know too!

so, this week i read an article that i can’t get out of my mind.  the article is in rolling stone and examines the treatment of sexual assault at the university of virginia.  i went to a university very similar to uva but smaller, and i am sure that many of the things that are described in the article also happened there.

what i can’t get over though, other than just the overall horror of the described events and attitudes toward it, is this: during the start of the article, the author is describing a woman who is getting assaulted by a group of boys in a frat house.  during the assault, one of the guys says to a boy who is having “trouble”, “we all had to do it, so you do too.”  instead of being a random incident, even one that is overlooked and tacitly approved by lack of discipline, this horror has actually become part of the institution.  not only is it NOT criticized or fought against, this act actually makes up the fabric of the organization.  gang rape is a brick that shapes what that house is.

i started to think about the institutions in my life and the lives around me.  my family.  my marriage.  my work.  my church.  i started to wonder how much i had considered each brick in those buildings.  how much i had considered what things that i, and those around me, had INSTITUTIONALIZED as part of our day to day routine.  not that anything in any of those places compares AT ALL to gang rape or systematic sexual assault.  the things i am thinking about are GRAINS OF SAND compared to the beaches of those horrors.  but i still don’t want ugly things to make up any part of the institutions in which i am a part.

the things i am thinking about are far less dramatic than the ones at the fraternity at uva.  the bricks that i want to remove are the judging statement made about those i think “deserve” it because they seem impenitrable.  judging comments that i don’t even recognize because they are simply part of the brickwork that make up who i am.  or the fact that i tell my children every single thing 350 times before they act.  that ignoring someone 349 times, especially a person in charge, is ok at casa rich-e-rich.  how disrespect for someone has become part of the institution.  or lateness.  how everyone seems to think that it is ok to arrive late even though others have been waiting there for quite some time.  (this is a GREAT blog about that.)

clearly, we do not set out to put these bricks in our houses the way we would lay out a herringbone tile pattern.  clearly i do not WANT my children to ignore authority figures.  clearly, the guys who started this fraternity did not say “hey…let’s create a group where gang rape becomes part of the fabric of our group.  great!”  even the boys who joined this house probably didn’t have “systematic attacks on friends” on their pro/con list.  one can assume many of them came from homes just like the ones all around us.  but it still got in there.  it still found a way to become what this house IS.   if it wasn’t already there in each of those boys, there were bricks ugly enough to let this one be its neighbor.  the priorities this house set, these boys set and i have set have allowed ugly bricks to find a way into our buildings.

so now what?  i think the answer is to be INTENTIONAL.  if it’s too late not to let it get mortared in, then we need to be intentional about getting it OUT.  retrain my children to respond the first time — out of respect and simple politeness.  train myself to look to the beauty in everyone instead of letting my snarky jealousness respond instead.  set the priorities of my behavior to match the bricks that i want to lay.

and let’s not stop with only ourselves.  let’s look around to all the communities and groups in which we have influence.  what bricks need chipping away in those?  where in my workplace has the easy road overcome the RIGHT way of doing it?  where have i prioritized efficiency over people?

we all may have different ugly bricks, but i think the solution is the same.  practice, practice, practice.  it’s like andy dufresne scraping his way out of shawshank.  it’s hard and it’s long, but it’s worth it.  let’s all break out a giant poster and a tiny chisel and get to work.

you can take solace in knowing that i am starting first.  and that i probably have a lot more to carve out.  that i will be examining each of my houses for ugly bricks and moving to replace them with lovely ones.  ones like grace and peace and hope.  i will also be examining the non-offensive bricks to see if i am leaving any places where ugly bricks might find a home.  then setting to work to rework the pattern.  hopefully in a hgtv worthy herringbone pattern.

FINALLY, one thing that we call ALL work toward is to have no tolerance for violence against women.  by standing with women who have been assaulted and letting them know that what happened to them is NOT alright.  by demanding that institutions like uva and fsu (etc. etc.) respect them and listen to their voices.  then we must expect those places to act accordingly and justly.  as a mother of a girl, and a boy, i never want either of my children to become a victim, or a perpetrator, of these horrors.  i want them not to know anyone, in any setting, who thinks that this behavior is acceptable.  the time to start the renovation is now.

i feel a very heavy blog coming on, so i thought i would have a short happy one first.  and here is what i want to discuss between us.  undiscovered awesomeness finally being discovered.  here is the one in my mind which is hopefully soon to be explored.  last minute cruises.

now, the cruise.  i have only been on one, and it was only middling fun.  it was fun because i was there with my sister and not fun because creepy guys kept hitting on us.  it came out at a 5.  but now that i have much more responsibility the thought of being escorted around the leto deck and eating food that other people have prepared is sounding much much MUCH more attractive.  sitting by the pool, sipping a fruity thing and watching the children swim sounds perfect.  walking around saying “yes” to all the food options without having to consider price or preparation sounds like something almost unreal in its fabulosity.  i don’t even care to where we sail i just don’t want to have to think of anything.  most of me thinks that even getting off the boat sounds like too much trouble.

now, the last minute cruise.  we live in a port.  we see cruise ships all the time.  the other day, helicopter was going towards the aquarium and asked if he could go on the big boat.  i said SURE!  then i started to look up the prices of last minute cruises.  they are UNBELIEVABLE.  so far, i have found two i want to take.  one was four nights to mexico and it was $150 a person.  let that settle in a minute.  four nights  of sleeping, eating, and swimming for less than one night in less-than-super-clean best western in the eastern shore.    crazy time.  then i found another SEVEN night cruise for $220 a person.  we couldn’t even stay HERE for seven days for less than $220 a person just on food.  we would SAVE money going on vacation.  and i can assure you there will NOT be a staff waiting to fulfill my needs on the home front.

i realize that there are probably like 10,000 things that i am ignoring like fees and inconvenience, etc. etc.  but right at this moment, i am loving that the last minute cruise exists.  just the THOUGHT of having four nights of not thinking is worth $150 a person.  i wonder how there was any light in this world until i knew of these.  (imagine how crazy about them i will be after we actually TAKE one.  or i will regret every HINT of this blog.  it could go either way.)

so, here the conversation goes to you.  what joys have you recently discovered that you wonder how you lived without.  any worth mentioning?