hello, sweet readers.  in week of spring break plus one, i have not been at my most productive. imagine that.  but i am committed to consistency.  and this week, i have something literally burning a hole in my pocket.

my friend heather, this week, was relaying to me the sad story of a friend of hers.  the friend has been married for more than ten years and has two children.   things had been muddy in the relationship for a while, so the two people decided to separate.  they decided to take a half time.  drink some gatorade, wipe off the blood and get a new game plan.  at least that was how she saw it with her heart full of hope.  the boy part of this equation was less committed to this self-assessment but he hadn’t yet taken off his jersey.

THEN.  (why must there always be a “then”?)  then heather’s friend found out something which, to her, meant that this was truly the end.  the buzzer had sounded.  listening to the story, my heart broke.  knowing how the woman must have felt as she realized that hope was now, if not completely dead, “mostly dead.”  (because if he is all dead, the only thing you can do is go through his clothes and look for loose change.)

as i thought about her, i started to get really fussy with someone who would trade this great girl for something so silly.   something silly like the attention of another or the lack of responsibility.  my heart was literally breaking for this wife and mother who had to deal with someone who is most likely a great kid who has just lost his way.  but the destruction of losing his way was just overwhelming to me.

but even then, i realized there must be grace for him.  one would think that someone who is willing to extend grace to the killers of christians would have no trouble with a stupid boy.  one would think.  however, one might be SLIGHTLY incorrect. after much thought, i decided that there is likely grace enough even for him.  probably.   the thought left a bit of a yucky taste in my mouth, though.  it made me a little bit fussy that someone who had run roughshod over someone’s feelings, whatever his reasons, could deserve grace too.  (clearly, during these thoughts i was not thinking about me or my inadequacies at all.  because then i would get it.)

but then i thought about the things that grace does NOT mean.  things that are not necessarily included in extending grace.  certainly, grace includes forgiving this person.  (i shall be referring to him as “this person” for the duration of the blog.  best i could come up with, considering the circumstances.)   grace means that when this person wants to change, God will meet him there.  and maybe even his wife will come.

what grace is NOT up for, though, is to continue to allow someone to cause mayhem.  grace does not mean that she should stay in a situation in which she and her children are losing.  grace, in fact, will put them all in a place where they can take a deep breath and find peace.  because without this separation, more and more of the shards are going to get broken. they will get harder and harder to glue back together. but as this lovely girl extends grace to herself and to him, she will get to a place of recovery.  she can get back to the locker room.

and that is a really cool realization.   i realized that grace does not mean being WEAK (which i always kind of knew), but allows you to be the strongest.   extending grace, both by not hating him and by setting up a situation in which they are all safe, lets you get to the good place first.  

it is, in fact, the short line at the DMV.  and it doesn’t leave the good people holding the bag while the bad people get to roll over them.  in fact, it is the quickest way to whip out the super glue and put these lives back together. maybe not the “they” but certainly the each.

with grace, everybody wins.  ESPECIALLY the one allowing it to work the most completely.  which means that this pretty lady has good times ahead for sure.

and it encourages me that grace is NOT up for weakening and compromising.  grace is not up for making us targets.  grace is here to make us stronger and better.  and that made me as happy as a little kid whose batman piggy bank has just been glued back together. still sad for heather’s friend. but hopeful about repair for her.

have you ever seen that to be true?  have you ever been in a situation in which giving grace to someone else helped you?  helped super glue a situation right up for the best of everyone?  i would love to hear them in the comments!

Greetings from 80 degree weather and beach trips!  It’s spring break, so this is going to be short.  And SWEET!

I’ve been working what we discussed last week.   And it’s amazing when I was looking how many things I fret about of which I have not a shred of hope of even influencing.  How freeing it is to set those things down.

Here is a perfect example.  This week, my oldest and one of my dearest friends was visiting with her family.  This day, we were all headed to the beach.  Beautiful day.  Fun company.   Hours of play time ahead.  And literally I spent the entire drive worrying about the parking.

Get that?  Parking. Where we would park the cars.   Whether we would get two spots.    Not the health of my children, not even the content of their character.   Certainly not world peace.  I spent all this time worrying about a parking spot or two.

About halfway there, I realized how stupid it was.  Either there would be spots or there wouldn’t.  Even if I wanted to change it, I couldn’t.   Sadly, I have not been offered the parking spot super power.   Because if I had to choose a super power, I would not pick invisibility or flying or super human strength.  I would clearly pick the ability to creat prime parking spots.

So, I got over it.  I decided to just be there in the minute.  And it was great.  We enjoyed a great day after parking in one of the 10 trillion available spots.   But even if there hadn’t been, there would have been five little ones who love freakishly cold water and three grow ups with nothing to do but adore them.  (And refuse their invitations to join them in the waves.)  Out of control is a great place to be!

Have you ventured out into loosening your grip?   Seen any results?  Or even noticed any areas where you might be holding on too tight?  From this view, it’s been a good thing to consider!

In any case, enjoy spring break whether this week or soon!  Even if only exists in your imagination!

CTRL is my favorite computer key.   It makes words mean; it makes them dance.  It can move and duplicate and make whole sections disappear.   It is part of the mystery which unlocks the door to the inner workings of one’s computer.    It has unmatched power.   What’s tricky, though, is when I assign such great importance not to CTRL but to control.   Because that is a VERY different button.

If I were to define myself, as I have done time and again, I would not include “control freak.”   Not at all.  Evidence to support that conclusion includes facts such as totally forgetting this very evening to go to a dinner at a friend’s house to which I really wanted us to go. *  Clearly, THAT person can’t be a control freak, right?  Closer inspection would indicate “ummm….yeah.”  Apparently she can.

Last night, I was listening to a video in which a woman was talking about how all our ideas about control are really just illusions.   How even when we THINK we have control, we don’t.  And I thought, I never try to control situations.   Not at all applicable.  Except when Helicopter wants to be the Once-ler for Dr. Seuss Day instead of Ted Wiggins.     Except when I think an event might not go perfectly unless choreographed to the moment by me.  Except when the entire family is moving very slowly and we are likely going to be very late.  Except when….  My “Except When” list was getting really long.    I realized not only was I trying to control things, but, when I feel them slipping away, I dig in my talons.

So what? I thought.  Ted Wiggins is a MUCH better character.  He speaks for the trees.   He wears a helmet and rides a cool unicycle-thing.  Clearly, he is a superior choice. But then I thought about how happy and cute Helicopter was as the Once-ler once I had relented.   (I have no photographic evidence.  I am a photo fail mom.  It just is.)  Maybe I would have missed that happy guy if I had insisted or manipulated him into being Ted.  And I thought about Star Wars, as one always should.   I thought about Princess Leia telling Governor Tarkin, “The more you tighten your grip, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers. ”  I thought about what other beauty I had missed because I wouldn’t loosen my hold.  What other loveliness I had missed because I was so busy jamming things into the shapes I thought they should be.

And, quite frankly, I don’t know that I am qualified to be in control.  Because really the person you want in control is the one who knows what the hell is happening.   You want the trained pilot to be at the helm.   The one who has done it hundreds of times and the one who knows where we are going.   Which, in most of the situations I find myself, is certainly not me.  I am more that someone who just got lost on the way to the bathroom and ended up in the cockpit. Because, unlike when one builds with Legos, there aren’t usually instructions.  There isn’t even a picture on the box to see what you get at the end.  

Maybe I should let the one who can see the whole picture take over.  

And maybe I need remind myself, when things aren’t going the way that I pictured, that it’s OK.   That it is fine if the kids take more than a minute to decide what they want to eat even though there are people waiting.   That super intense kids probably make the most interesting adults.   If I COULD see the whole picture, I would likely be surprised by the beautiful things that are being created.  Beautiful moments.   Strong foundations.   

And if I really believe there is enough grace for all of us, maybe I will let some leak into these situations.   Let grace extend even to those times when letting it go means it doesn’t turn out Pinterest perfect.   (Knowing me, I wouldn’t have a picture anyway.)  Letting just fine be just fine indeed.

There are certainly things in each situation that I can be sure are good choices.  Like teaching my kids to be kind.  Like loving.  Like keeping both hands on the wheel of the car.  But maybe on EVERY DETAIL I could ease up a bit.  Because just look at Governor Tarkin.   One assumes that if he had know the Death Star was really just one shot away from total implosion, he would have made better choices.   Evacuated.  Worn looser collars just for fun.   

So, the question is: do you think there are things to which you holding on too tightly?  To people?   Because I think even now we have to be intentional about letting trust trickle in.   Letting go and letting beauty come.  Do you think that’s true for you too?  If so, why don’t you join me on this crazy thing.  Let’s see what can be.

I adore you!

*Author’s note: I don’t want to kill anyone’s hope for a brighter future, but my iPad repeatedly switched “to which” to “yo which”.  What does THAT say about our grammatical future?