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me and my huey.

My new vehicle of choice is pretty impressive.  It’s a helicopter, and I am an amazing pilot.  “But, Elizabeth,” you ask, “How can you be a pilot so soon?   Did you have all the years of appropriate training?”  As if.  I need nothing of the sort.

And this baby can do amazing things.  It’s up.  It’s down.  It’s around.  It’s through.

In the spirit of complete disclosure, it also has blinking lights.  And it’s 4 inches tall.

What it lacks in magnitude it makes up for complexity.  This damn thing is SO HARD to drive.  My outlook on this issue is not improved by the fact that Helicopter (the boy) and Cricket are nearly as good as I am.  I assume that real helicopters MUST be easier as there are active helicopter pilots NOT on medication to counteract the insanity.  I have no clinical data, but I am assuming this to be so.

But, for all its intricacy and the associated frustration, this little guy has a lot to teach.  About control.  About how delicately it must be done.  How sometimes even your best efforts can just send the damn thing spinning wildly out of control.

In fact, everywhere I have looked this week, it has been about control.  Or lack thereof.  And this week has been a testament to that fact.

Nothing this week has been easy.  Nothing has been certifiably BAD, just very VERY annoying.  Did I mention annoying?

The helicopter, for example. For the love.  We were at a random mall trying to buy a suit for a lovely guy who is graduating from law school in Haiti.  Of course, we found nothing that would work.  But WHILE we were at this random mall, we bought a remote control boat.  Get home, try it out.  It works once.  Then nothing.  Totally busted.

So, the next day, we RETURN to this annoying mall to deal with its failure.   Instead, we get the helicopter.

We get it home.  It doesn’t work.  At all.  Ever.  In no way.  So, the next day, I take the thing back, and the kid gets it working.  YAY!!  We get it home.  Helicopter (the boy) flies it for 35 seconds.  The top rotor falls off.

Back to the store I go.  Are you irritated yet just reading this never ending helicopter saga?  I am annoyed just having to type it.  Finally, after 4 visits, we have a functioning remote controlled something.

Keep in mind that also in this mix this weekend are a boat that stalled out and trapped Vin and Helicopter (the boy) for an hour and half on the water.  An incident which required me to con some random guy into going to rescue them.

Also on the agenda is losing my very expensive and very important blood sugar sensor for an entire day.  Spending the entire day plotting about how I will get to replace it.  And then finding it at the bottom of my purse.

Throughout all of this first world suffering (and 75 trips to the worst mall ever), I have learned.   (Hopefully I have learned the WHOLE lesson, and this series of clinics will end.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me have learned all that there is!!)

Here it is.  Even when I am annoyed, even in dark clouds, I can’t control it.  I can’t make the helicopter work.  I can’t make the boat engine work.  I can make almost nothing work.  But I can remain calm.  I can provide light in the dark situation.  As the helicopter is crashing down, I can put on my mask.  I can make sure I can help those around me get theirs on.

There is such peace in that knowledge.  When there is nothing to do be done, you can just make jokes.  You can tickle the kid next to you.  You can try to figure out how to get a tiny helicopter NOT to crash into the fan or the ground once it is finally working.  The lack of responsibility over all the details, allowing grace to come in, lets you have time for all the fun stuff.  And it’s way better.

I adore you.

what i REALLY need to know before sending my kid on a sleepover….

so, cricket had her first sleep over a few weeks ago.  it was with her best friend at school and we quickly reciprocated hosting the same friend at our house.  the mother of the friend is the homeroom mom, so i know her from a stream of emails throughout the year.   but as we were emailing to set up the details, i realized all the things that you want to know before you send your kid over.  i was discussing this with my friend kelly, and she and i were bemoaning this long list of questions you want to shoot over via email.  then she had a GENIUS idea: a questionnaire.  then, as she said, you could just reply, “hmmm…i didn’t like your answer to 2b.  no dice.”

i am telling you…GENIUS.   so i went ahead and designed one.  before putting into use, i will likely need to get kelly to add some quality design elements.  but here goes.

feel free to use adapt this to your own purposes.  which i am sure you will want to do.  since clearly you will NOT see this as the ravings of a crazy person but rather the work of genius that it truly is.  i am even going to use caps to indicate the formality of this procedure.

SLEEPOVER QUESTIONNAIRE

This is to be completed prior to having a sleepover with a Child Rich-e-rich.  The Family Rich-e-rich thanks you for your full honesty.  The details contained herein will be kept completely confidential (allowing for Elizabeth totally forgetting this part and telling someone by accident.   So there’s that.)

PROPERTY

  1. Do you have working smoke alarms?
  2. Is there lead paint?
    1. Is there any reason that my child would want to lick, eat, or consume any of this paint?
  3. Do you have guns?
    1. Are they properly stored?  (Definition:  Properly stored means that my very curious, determined and creative child will not be able to find it and/or figure any of the system out.  Seriously.  And, please do not tell me that you have “explained the danger” to your child because I explain things all the livelong day and both of my children still do UNIMAGINABLE things.  Most of them too gross to mention.)

PETS

Do you have any pets?  If so, please answer the following:

  1. Do you have a dog?
    1. Would you describe him as “aggressive”?
    2. Would you describe the animal as “red zone”?
    3. Has the animal ever received remedial dog training of any kind?
    4. Has the animal ever foamed at the mouth?
  2. Do you have a reptile?
    1. Are any of the constricting variety?
    2. Is it an alligator?
    3. Are any large enough to eat my child?
      1. How well fed is the animal?  Is it looking for a juicy little snack?
    4. Do any have any fangs/poison of any kind?  (I do not refer to the EMOTIONAL kind, which clearly my children have already developed some tolerance, but physical fangs and poison.)
  3. Do you have an exotic pet?
    1. If small, could my child kill it?  (Clearly, this would only result from a “Of Mice and Men” Lenny kind of incident.)
      1. If it is killed, would you expect me to replace the animal?
      2. How much does the animal cost?
    2. If large, could it kill my child?
      1. Does it get angry when confronted by loud sounds, annoying repetition or endless questions that all essentially ask for the same bit of information?

PEOPLE

Please answer considering all persons who may come into contact with my child at your house and/or at any scheduled activities in which my child may play a role.  Please include in your answer any persons who have started/finished/gotten trapped in puberty.

  1. Are any of these people registered sex offenders?
  2. Are any of these people someone you would consider “creepy”?
  3. Have any of these people ever been described by any person, at any time, as “creepy”?
  4. Will any of these people, at any time, engage in poor behavior that i will then have to explain to my child?
    1. Is this person cool enough that my kid, despite my explanation, will want to continue to model this behavior?

PROGRAMMING

Please answer these questions about the activities in which you imagine my child will participate while a guest at your home.

  1. Would you consider any of these activities dangerous?
    1. Does the possibility exist that I will have to come get my child EARLY as a result of an emergency room visit?  If not, please continue to the next section.
  2. Will any of these activities (please include movies watched and television viewed) give my child ongoing nightmares requiring me to awaken for many nights on end?
  3. Will any of these activities require explanation later (Please see People, 4, Part A)?
  4. Will my child return home exhausted so that I will only have to set him/her in front of the tv the following day until he or she goes to bed?  (This is a bonus points question.)

Team Rich-e-rich fully supports many animated shows, movies, sugary snacks and fast food.  Because if you can’t do THAT at a sleepover, what is the point?!

Thank you for your honest answers.  A representative from Team Rich-e-rich will be in touch shortly.

any i forgot?

i know this is mostly silly (as it was intended to be), but i am completely thinking about all that i want to know.

i know that MANY parents just eschew the sleep over, but i had SUCH FUN as a kid (i’m looking at you, melanie dawn!)  it seems a shame not to do them.

here’s to hoping my questionnaire is the answer!

i adore you!

i want to listen….

have you ever been in a restaurant or a store and you notice that one customer that is REALLY upset?   the one whose voice is getting LOUDER and LOUDER, and you can tell this is all going to blow up at any second. part of you wants to wander off, but another part, like the drama fly i am, wants to stay ONE MORE SECOND to see what happens.  and then the manager walks over.  one starts thinking, “this is when it hits the fan.”  but it doesn’t.  instead of meeting volume with volume and energy with energy, the manager goes a different way.  he says “tell me why you are upset.”  and he listens.  and since it would be completely ridiculous to be yelling at someone who is patiently listening, the person calms down.  and he communicates his complaint.  the situation is completely deflated because one person stopped and listened.

this scene has repeated itself at my house.  tanting toddler seems completely inconsolable.  there is shrieking.  there is gnashing of teeth.   but, if i have the patience to just sit down and listen, sometimes that is all it takes.   i am left holding only a deflated balloon and an wilted threenager.

this week, these thoughts have taken on a new meaning for me.  in all these scenes in baltimore, i am hoping leadership, and each of us, model our behavior on the good store manager.  that instead of meeting energy with energy and volume with volume we just stand and say “we are LISTENING.”  because even though we may not agree with all the details, every person has a right to be heard.   especially if no one has been listening for too long.

i am hoping we all find a way to say “please tell me why you are upset.”  and we listen with open hearts.  then start to brainstorm meaningful solutions.   i wrote recently about how i wanted to know what love and light, the only things that can conquer darkness and hate, would do in the micheal brown situation.  and this week, i think listening is the important first step.   not hearing, defensively answering and talking a lot, but serious listening.  (if you know me, you know this is going to be difficult.  not talking is not my strong suit!)

and listening doesn’t mean you AGREE.  i only means that you think the person is important enough to be HEARD.

i adore you.

(ADDITIONAL NOTE:  there seem to be such conflicting news about all that is happening in baltimore.  for each tale of uncontrolled violence, there is a tale of citizens behaving beautifully as part of a wonderful community.  i am deciding to focus on this…things that are good, honest, and of a good report.   i want to think of this image.

baltimore

and this one.

baltimore 2

i want to know that despite having decades of reasons to be angry, many people are being kind.  and they deserve a lot of listening ears.  especially mine.)