(note:  i realize that i shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition.  but it just doesn’t work any other way!)  i love coke zero.  seriously.  to the point of addiction.  my love of soda began so early that i can’t remember a time when i DIDN’T drink soda.  i just love it.  i love the crack open of the can.  i love the feeling of the bubbles in my mouth.  i love it all.

what i DON’T love is the aspartame.  damn monsanto.  and i know that i shouldn’t drink it.  a man actually told me a story about how his kid had aspartame POISONING in college.  hilariously, he said at the end, as to reduce my fright at said story, that his son drank a lot.  then he told me how much.  about half what i consume per day.  i should stop drinking this stuff.  but i just don’t want to.  get that:  I JUST DON’T WANT TO!!

so, as i think about coke zero…my truest friend, i started thinking about other things that i know i should do (or not do) and i just don’t.  it was an interesting list.  it was considerably long.  things i know that would make my life better or my relationships better or my work better.  things that i just don’t want to do.

my daughter cricket, when told not to do something that is potentially harmful or just bad, loves to say, “but i love (insert whatever she wasn’t supposed to do here.)”    for example, “but i love hanging from this very tall building from my fingernails.” and i laugh at her.   and i still insist that she climb down. i wonder if God is laughing at me in some sweet, paternal way!   “but i love consuming mass quantities of a chemical known to have harmful side effects!”

i am challenging myself with things that i know i should do and just don’t want to.  challenging myself to actually DOING them.  being more patient.  being more empathetic to people who are clearly having a terrible day (or season.  or life.)   being a more proactive encourager of those around me.  remembering not to let grey dots OR gold stars stick to me*.  not drinking coke zero.

what are things that you just don’t want to do?  let’s promise each other to just do it ONE TIME today and see what happens.  who knows?!  we might love the new way too!

*from you are special by max lucado.  if you haven’t, you should read that one!

I am visiting friends this weekend that I haven’t visited in a few years.   And I am thinking about evolution.  Not clearly the kind that has to do with monkeys or walking fish (that’s DEFINITELY a different post for a different day.  Or never.)   This is the kind that has to do with me.   When last we visited, we gave my friend’s partner PTSD by bringing our 7 month old and 21 month old into a very chic, mostly concrete townhouse.   And now we are visiting again after the memory of the torture has grown dimmer.   We descend now with a 4 year old and a 3 year old into the aforementioned well-decorated villa while one half of this partnership has broken ribs.  Let the mayhem commence. Let’s hope that with the pain killer the hospital also dispensed a good bit of Valium to this poor couple.

But back to evolution.  I was thinking about the me THEN and the me NOW.  Clearly both people have a blatant disregard for the comfort of those she cares about.   But in many ways, I have EVOLVED.   I am a totally different mother.   My priorities and relationships have evolved.   I think even my relationship with God, who is guiding this evolution and completing the work in me, is different.  I more often speak TO him rather than ABOUT him.  Which I like.   I rely on Him more in my job than on my own strength which has opened so many possibilities.  It’s encouraging to see how it goes along.

On the other side of the coin, of course, are the mountains I continue to circle.   The parts of my existence where I want to yell “AGAIN?!  Can this really STILL be going on?  And not even a reality show to show for it?”  But even on these endless revolutions, I am starting to see that the way I am in regard to them is changing.  For example, I still have not reached my ideal weight number (which was actually determined during my last visit to these friends when my friend yelled out to the window at a women who I described as my ideal weight to ask her what she weighed) but I realize that I am becoming less focused on the space my body takes up in the world and more on the space it takes up in my thinking.  I continue to be frustrated by this struggle but less for the lack of vintage options available in my size than my lack of discipline and the amount of time I devote to complaining about it.   So even as I endlessly circle, the hill is evolving.  It’s as if I have been magically transferred to a NEW mountain.   A mountain that highlights character rather than image as the object of desire.  Which is interesting.  Frankly, I would like to be transferred to a mountain where the way North was a bit better marked.  Possibly one that also included the airport-style moving walkways towards the exits.   But, I digress.

Evolution takes a pause to notice, but I think its worthwhile.  It’s encouraging to know that I am not the same.   Good to ask… Where was I?  Where am I?   How did that happen?  What remains to be done?  What gear (other than a stiff drink) will I likely need for this journey? I am also interested in other folks’ tales of evolution.  To know where you were and where you are now.  Maybe someone has even found the moving walkway.

“beginnings are always scary.  endings are always sad.  it’s whats in the middle that counts.”  that little gem is from hope floats (a cinematic triumph…if you ask me!) and it’s true.  so here is the beginning.  a beginning of my collecting my strange post-it note thoughts and recording them.  

here is one. why do we ask people if we look fat?  probably 99 out of 100 people are going to say no.   is there any other answer?  has an idiot anywhere ever said “yes, you indeed look fat” when presented with this question?  why don’t we ask about the clothes?  “are these flattering?” gives the responder at least SOME chance at not having to choose between honesty (a Godly virtue) and getting kicked in the shins (a less Godly response to being told one is fat).    it makes it about the OUTFIT rather than the PERSON.  do we WANT someone to have to judge us? i thought, as a group, we were against it.

i think from now on i am going to make it about the clothes.  is this the best outfit for me?  is this ensemble maximizing all the beautiful qualities that i possess or does it hide that wonder that is me?  (clearly the second question will probably not actually be asked on a continual basis…people would begin to want to kick ME in the shins.)   i am going to encourage others to do the same.  be encouraged.