i realize that usually my thoughts are VERY short.  however, this thought has two distinct parts.  so i think i am going to do two distinct posts.  how very DISTINCT of me.

so i was re-reading the story of shadrach, meshach, and abednego.  just so we are all on the same page…this is a bible story about three guys in the old testament who didn’t want to worship this giant statue of the king.  so they didn’t. even though there was a threat of getting tossed into a fiery furnace (are there other kinds?).

here is what i noticed as i reread.  at one point in the story, these three guys say to the king, when he is giving them their last shot to do what he wants them to do, “our God will save us.  and even if he doesn’t, we still aren’t doing it.”  (that was clearly the elizabeth translation* of the story.)  suddenly, i totally got into abednego’s shoes (i don’t think i could be a “ach” but i could DEFINITELY be abednego.  i always imagine them as identical twins with abednego as the crazy “eclectic” friend.  clearly, i am much more comfortable in that role.)  if it had been me, i would have been doubting the wisdom of this action plan.  maybe not in THAT moment, but in the ones to come.  i would have wondered as i walked toward this fire made seven times as hot like “God, is this REALLY the plan?  did you see me back there?  did you see how outspoken a supporter i have become?”  as the guards around me perished because of the heat, i think i would have started freaking out.  “ummm….God.  the angels and the bolt of lightning could come NOW.”  but there is no record of that.  the REAL abednego trusted.  (so did the “ach”s -pronounced “acts” – but i am stuck with my guy.)  he CONTINUED to be like “i am not doing it.”  isn’t that just nuttiness?

let’s just get this out there: there is no furnace, fiery or otherwise, sitting in front of me.  and yet i STILL question God’s commitment to me.  wonder if he hasn’t looked away.   lost His focus and forgotten that tiny lizbeth needs some intervention.  but this guy.  he was in fact THROWN INTO the furnace, and there is no record that he ever wondered why God didn’t go with the A plan.  the “God can save me plan”.   they didn’t waiver.

i think that’s pretty awesome.   i want to be more like this.  more like “this is the way God said it was.  that’s just the way.  full stop.”  i want to treat his promises like that.  i want to treat His truth that way.  remember when my life seems totally silly, that God promised that my steps were ordered.  full stop.  remember when i feel less than, that he has said that i was a child of the King.  full stop.   even when the fire looms, He is with me.  it will work to my good.  full stop.  that He loves me without measure.  full stop.  that loving God and people is the most important.  full stop.  that His grace is sufficient.  full stop.

*the whole tale is in daniel 3 if you would like a REAL translation.

i am thinking about something that is totally sinking my ship.  not totally sinking me (i am definitely UNsunk at the moment), but it definitely makes the water seem much deeper.  comparisons.   they’re just so easy to do.  targets for comparison ABOUND.  other moms at preschool.  other people’s kids at preschool.  people who work in my industry.  people who work in other industries but seem amazingly more successful.  people who are listed in magazines as being awesome by my age.  way awesomer than i could hope to be at any age.  bloggers who have 100,000 followers instead of 12.  (i love ALL TWELVE of you!  each and every one!)  bloggers in other industries who have moderately successful preschool children at my age.  the list goes on and on.

universally comparisons are pretty damaging.  every one thinks so.  even when I have the upper hand in the comparison, when i am the WINNER!  UNDISPUTED WINNER! of some asinine comparative point i have chosen, i still feel like a loser.  because usually i have beaten down some poor undeserving soul to win the “best blue toe polish” trophy.   or elbowed out another weary heart to be crowned “the one whose kid only THREW something at another rather than beat the other kids to a bloody pulp.”  so, even victory is complicated.

so i started asking myself the KEY question.  how does i stop?  how do i even moderate my comparisons?   it seems so impossible in this age of social media to avoid sizing up next to all those around me.  then sizing up myself against their measurements.  or at least the measures that i can make through my limited exposure.  then it hit me. (you can tell i am one for the striking revelation.)  the only way i can change this habit is to change at what i am looking.  or at least HOW i am looking.

while i realize those last few sentences make me sound like a peeping Tom, let me explain.   (in my head, i just said that in inigo montoya’s accent*.  “let me explain.  no, there is too much.  let me sum up.”)  here’s my sum up.  i need to see things not as adversarial or as competitive, but as God sees them.  fellow travelers.  the other mom at preschool isn’t actually trying to win anything.  there is not, in fact, a trophy for the best blue toe polish.  (at least not one of which i am aware.)  she is a fellow traveler.  the woman in the magazine who is awesome at 25 and who helps haiti in ways i couldn’t DREAM of helping is actually helping make haiti a better place.  a fellow traveler.    there isn’t a limited amount of goodness in this world.  people aren’t going to win it instead of me.   each traveler has her pack to carry and her skills to get there.  grace is unlimited, so i shouldn’t be trying to edge out others to make sure i get mine.   i need to look for ways to work TOGETHER, grow TOGETHER, enjoy life TOGETHER.  i bet i am surprised.  as i make sure that all the travelers have the grace we need, we will all end up with more.

i realized also that i also need to keep my eyes on the giver of grace.  there is an old church song (i don’t think it actually qualifies as a hymn so old church song it is) that says that if you turn your eyes on Jesus…look full in His wonderful face…the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace. i realize that if i turn my eyes on the source of grace, then the other things will grow strangely dim.  i won’t be able to see as clearly the toe polish on the person next to me.  or her beautiful homemade seasonal teacher’s gifts.   i will only see a face reflecting back unlimited grace that we can both share.

* from the princess bride.  if you haven’t, see it.  classic.

it has been an awful, terrible, no good, very bad day.  why?  no reason.  the only real thing that has been awful and terrible and no good and very bad is me.   i woke up in a terrible mood.   i remain in a terrible mood.  i don’t feel well, but it is a small thing compared to just all the other ickiness swirling within.

why?  you wonder.  or maybe you don’t.  but i do.  why have i been snapping at these children who, although today do not seem delightful to me, are delightful in a very objective sense?   why have i been feeling the weight of all my “responsibilities” and “chores”?   not ONE of these things is in the LEAST life changing or even important to more than like three people.   yet they make me feel so overwhelmed that the very thought of another piece of halloween paraphernalia is giving me hives.   the thought of piecing together two grown up costumes that not ONE person will likely notice is making feel like i am solely responsible for the end of conflict in the world.  nutty, i know.

i want to blame the feeling of being out of my element.  motherhood/wifehood/executive directorship all still feel like camps that i am attending rather than home.  but i don’t think i would even RECOGNIZE my element at this point.  it is something totally common like carbon?  something like gold?  it is even a SOLID?   who can know.

there is no excuse for me to be such a black cloud today.   at about 3, i tried to choose happiness (something i believe in very strongly) and i just failed.  with GUSTO, i failed.  but i have not given up.  i am going to try on the hour to continue to make that choice.  to choose happiness.  to open the faucet of God’s grace into my darkened heart.  luckily for those around, it is 4:59 as i type.   my next opportunity to successfully choose happiness is just around the corner.   at 6:00, i get to leave the house to have dinner out.    by then, chance of success should be skyrocketing.  by seven, i will have a cocktail in my hand and be surrounded by spots of sunshine.   spots of sunshine who can order their own food, cut their own bites, and who don’t openly bicker about who last touched the worthless coins sitting in a glass.   and who are also delightful (some even read the blog!!) possibility of failure will be practically non-existent.

i am hoping your days are black cloud free.  tomorrow, i am hoping for a sunny new day without any chance of clouds.   and i hope this is the last awful, terrible, no good, very bad day for quite a while.  i am too realistic to think it the last, but here’s to hoping to the last for a long while.