so, i have been thinking over the last few days about what a prickly pear i have become.  i get so irritable so fast.  any little thing can make me into a bear (and not a friendly singing one).  so, then i start thinking…have i always been so prickly?  i think not.  if not, what brought me to this prickly place?  when did i turn into a cactus?  i live in a very tropical environment.  clearly, external factors are not the problem.

i want to think that it’s because i have set such high expectations for myself.  i always read blogs that read “don’t be so hard on yourself.  don’t worry if you can’t be the BEST MOM EVER!  you’re great!”  i know this isn’t true.  i haven’t set amazing standards for myself.  i am fine being OK.   so then i think “maybe i take on too much”.  again, clearly not.  i have a totally reasonable lot on my plate.  i read an amazingly lot of books.  i sleep a ridiculous amount.  clearly, this is not the source of the irritation.   although i wish these were the reasons because those would definitely not reflect on me so poorly as the truth probably will!

during all this pondering, i keep flashing in mind to that terrible woman from the post office.  the one in line behind you who is bitching about every. single. thing.  bitching about the cost of stamps.  bitching about how long it takes to get to the front.    you wonder how many years she has until she has a heart attack.  and then she starts bitching about the fact that she hates the green that they use on the form and you just want to start laughing about how much WORK it must take to be that irritable.  and then you realize like 2 hours later that you are turning into her.   not that you hate green (who can hate GREEN?), but just that you are REALLY getting irritable.  you are totally turning into a prickly pear.

which of course makes me jump into a rendition of the bear necessities. baloo sings “when you eat the prickly pear, don’t use the paw.  when you pick the pear, gotta use the claw!”  EGAD!  i don’t want to require the CLAW.  i don’t want people to worry that they are going to have to hug this cactus. sweet pickles, how has this happened?

after seemingly endless thought, the only thing i could come up with was this…i have set unreasonable expectations for those AROUND me.  that the grace that i want to extend to anyone and everyone all the time in small bits and large bits because there is enough for everyone i have been forgetting to give to those that are the closest to me.  i haven’t been pausing in moments to let grace slip into me so that it can flow out to others. it makes me sad to think that i could be so selfish that i expect small children and candidates for sainthood (vin) pander to me, but maybe i just am.

but maybe not.  not maybe i’ve been becoming a prickly pear (that is for damn sure), but maybe not this is why.  maybe it’s because i think too much.  (let’s hope not.  what would i blog?  i don’t have recipes.  i don’t have parenting tips!  i only have thoughts.)

so to the discussions.  are you finding  yourself getting pricklier as you get older?  is it a natural byproduct of around the eye lines?  no?  if you also suffer from determititus prickiess, have you identified the seed?   since i have been thinking about this, prickly pears have been EVERYWHERE.  even a show the little people were watching was called “the prickly pair.”  clearly it is a theme for me.  is it a theme for you?  any insight is appreciated.

i need to figure it out.  i need to get to the bottom of this mystery.  because i want the only reference to prickly pears to be in animated songs and margarita orders.  prickly pear margaritas (esp. in san antonio with one of my favorite friends) are one of my favorite drinks.  i want to sit and drink one with grace flowing from me while nothing AT ALL makes me prickly.  with an exterior that is lovely and smooth (and with the fewest possible around the eye lines).  so here is my game plan.  i am going to stop each time that i feel prickly and wonder why i am that way.  think about how to NOT be so.  and then have a prickly pear margarita.    let’s do it together.

so after a very VERY long time, i am blogging. i hope you all had a great summer. we had a great one. swimming and fishing in the keys. visits. fun in the sun, for sure. mine was also full of important thoughts. thoughts that would change the world. thoughts such as “should i dye my hair darker?” (yes). and “are seven uniform shirts too many for one five-year old boy?” (no). setting the world on fire, i am.

but i have a thought that has been swirling in my head literally all summer, so i am finally blogging about it. i am finally setting to paper (or internet in this case) what has been in the crock pot of my brain.

have you ever been talking and suddenly someone you love becomes the subject? so you are sitting there absorbing all the thoughts about this beloved soul and the odd thing about it is that it doesn’t seem like the person you know. an example. my sister (happy birthday, sister!) has a great husband, but she says that whenever people speak about him she feels like they are talking about someone she doesn’t know. not that they are saying BAD things…they just aren’t assigning TRUE good things to him. or worse, and not in the case of my sister, the people start assigning bad things to the person you love that you know just aren’t true. it’s just a strange feeling to wonder whether these people know the person you adore better than you! sometimes, there are just so many people talking. could it be? all of a sudden you wonder if your beloved friend is having an entirely second life with an alternate personality in which you are simply not included.

so where are you going with this random diatribe, you ask? i’m getting to it. don’t worry.

so swirling around this summer have been a number of issues in which christian people have been very outspoken. gay marriage. the whole hobby lobby thing. and although i consider myself “christian” in that i strive to be christ-like, when i hear a lot of christian spokespersons speaking, they don’t seem to be speaking about the jesus that i know.

here is the jesus that i know. the jesus that i know dispensed grace and mercy. he defined himself by love. he actually said he IS love. he gave up EVERYTHING so that we could know God and be forgiven. he wanted to show people the way to joy. he wanted to give out grace to everyone, even to those who were completely undeserving (which is everyone), so that they could know his Father the way he did. that is the guy i know.

the guy i know didn’t want power. he didn’t want to LEGALIZE the things he believed were truth. he didn’t want for people to know he was right. he didn’t want to protect what was his and make sure no one else got it. he certainly wasn’t endorsing particular businesses.

i am certainly not saying that God has no standards. i am not saying he doesn’t love chicken nuggets or craft supplies. clearly not. the Bible is very clear that he has a standard of holiness. i am just saying that whole point of all this is that NONE OF US COULD EVER MEET IT. ever. in any way. with any amount of effort. so he sent Jesus. to distribute amazing grace to completely undeserving people. and to continue to distribute it as we muddle through the rest of our lives.

so, what i can’t understand is how this guy who is totally defined by love and giving and grace and mercy has gotten on all the banners of people who are trying to LEGALIZE, DEFEND, EXCLUDE. clearly, the most ridiculous example of this is the westboro folks. (i think i spelled that wrong, but i don’t want to give them the privilege of having me google it! even though now if someone googles it, they might get this blog. but only if they spell it wrong. back to the point.) i mean i don’t think that ANY REASONABLE PERSON has any doubt that they have no idea who Jesus is. but they think so. they think that the guy they are working for is the same one that i read about saving a woman about to be stoned for fornicating. i just don’t get it. i don’t know how they lost sight of the kid i know.

and maybe i’m wrong. i am definitely NOT a theologian. i am just a silly girl who has a hard time keeping on the point. maybe Jesus would be trying to win supreme court battles and protesting and all of that. but i just don’t see it. instead, he went person to person changing people’s hearts by distributing undeserved mercy. he sat next to a woman at a well who was outside his race and had five husbands so that he could show her how her life could be better. so that’s what i am going to do. or try to do. because i don’t want people to think that false things are true about someone i love. i am just going to assume that i am right about who Jesus is. in the same way that i know that my sister is right about her husband. and i am going to try to do small things that show people the real him that i know. the one who had love for everyone. who gave out mercy for no reason at all. who knew that there was enough grace for all of us.  hopefully, through the small acts of grace, love and mercy that i am able to accomplish, people will have a slightly clearer picture of who he is.

i know there are already tons of people doing the same. working every day to make sure that people know the merciful, grace-filled jesus through their example. most of you are probably already at work doing small things just like that. maybe you people just have a harder time getting on tv. you should really work on that.  

quick note: IF YOU DO NOT KNOW JESUS, look for him. read what he said. not what people say ABOUT him, but what he actually SAID. read about what he did. not what people claiming to be fans did (look no further than the inquisition for why that is a bad idea), but what HE ACTUALLY DID. and see what you think. i bet you are surprised. and then make a decision about HIM. not other people. as i said to vin, my beloved, years ago, you don’t have to like redskins fans in order to like the redskins. find the real guy. and THEN decide what you think about him! i promise…he’s a goodie!

i love you guys!

so, i recently finished a book my mom gave me written by a woman named corrie ten boom (the hiding place, totally good!)  i was totally intrigued first by her last name.  ten boom.  it sounds like she should be starting a fashion line or recording her new single.  but i digress.  corrie ten boom lived in holland during world war 2.  she and her family hid jews in their home over their watch shop, and corrie coordinated anti-nazi activities in her town once the germans invaded.  during the war, she and her sister ended up in a prison in holland and then a german concentration camp.  their father died in german custody.

while in the camp, corrie’s sister, betsie, reminds corrie that they need to be grateful in all situations.   not only the good ones, but in all situations.  she reminds her of 1 thessalonians 5.  she reminds her of this when they are first moving into their overcrowded prison bunks in the german camp filled with fleas.  at the time, corrie tells her sister that she will try to be grateful.  but she will NOT be thankful for the fleas.   later in the story, betsie gets really sick.  she starts to be part of the knitting team that works out of the dormitory where they live.  for some reason, while they are working, the guards leave this group alone.  so betsie, whose a fast knitter, can finish her daily quota and then spend her afternoons helping those around her or resting.  one day, the knitters want to ask the guards a question, and the guards won’t come in.  they realize that the guards won’t come in because of the fleas.  the FLEAS are the reason that betsie has had all peace in this horrible place.  betsie tells her sister corrie this story with an implied “SEE!!”

i started to think about being grateful.  to note: i do not live in an overcrowded concentration camp.  i am not surrounded by fleas.  in fact, i have a good amount of personal space and very few bugs in my way at all times.  i am not busily knitting socks for soldiers who have been sent to kill my family.  the only socks i encounter are the ones which will soon sit on tiny little feet that i adore.  the only torturous situations i encounter involve 15 preschool girls in a very tiny room dressed in dance costumes.  but still i am aware of how i am very rarely grateful for even the good things.  occasionally, i can be grateful for the shining day.  even less often am i grateful for my umbrella when it rains outside.  (this is totally theoretical because i NEVER have an umbrella).  i am certainly not grateful for the rain.  much less really unpleasant things like fleas, metaphorically speaking.

i started to think about a fight that i have long been fighting.  how most days i curse it.  or begrudge having it.  or wish my life, on this issue, was like someone else’s.  on my best day, i am grateful for all the joy DESPITE it.  but i am never thankful to fight it.  never grateful to have been thrown into this ring.  but i started to think about all this fight has given me.  all the insight it has provided.   all the opportunities for growth it has afforded.  and even if it hadn’t, that God works all things for good.  that something good will result because of this.  i thought about how i should be at least a bit thankful for the fleas.

that is not to say that i wouldn’t IN A MINUTE be done with the battle.  that i will not pray, fight, work, slave, etc. to win this war.  that i would not buy EVERY SINGLE CAN of flea spray to rid my house of them.  but in the meantime, while these things surround, i think i need to remember to be grateful they are here.  to see what it has provided.  because if i can be grateful even for the worst of things, i can certainly be grateful for all the good ones.

this is truly an impossible task.  but it’s worth the striving.   agreed?