so…i’ve been thinking about check boxes. i know what you are thinking “FASCINATING!  i adore the check box!”  probably not so much, but here is WHY i have been thinking about them.   we all have certain characteristics that fit well into a check box.  age, race, sex, sexual orientation, education, employment and marital status are all things that we answer without hesitation on any form.  (i am secretly an over-thinker on the form, but this should come as no surprise!)

but lately, i have been thinking less of them in a form setting and more in them in my active interaction with people.  with all the discussions about civil rights lately, i started to notice something about the way i relate to people that was distressing to me. i realized, despite all my desire to the contrary, that i made judgments about people based on characteristics of groups that i thought they belonged.  i assigned them value as related to their check boxes. i use some seriously arbitrary and irrelevant markers to make assumptions about people.  even some good assumptions i made were made based on a random association with a people group rather than a truth based on the actual person standing in front of me.

here’s an example of what i mean.  a friend walks up to me with someone.  while she approaches, i start to formulate an opinion of her based on the way she’s dressed, her race, her weight, etc.  once she opens her mouth, i make even more additions to my check list.  college?  job?  funny?   it’s been about 35 seconds and i have already have a pretty good idea of whether i will make any further investment.

and what’s on this checklist that i come bearing?  even though i am totally ashamed to admit it, i use a number of arbitrary standards to judge a person: whether they are well-dressed, what they do for a living, where they live, how much education they have completed, how well they articulate. and it’s a slippery slope because if you are TOO well dressed, then i decide you are shallow.  on weight, there is a unreasonably small ledge on which one can perch.  too chubby?  bad.   too thin?  bad.  totally ridiculous?  ummm…yeah.   especially since i know all sorts of people at all sorts of weights and with all sorts of styles and all sorts of education levels and all sorts of races and all sort of marital statuses who i absolutely ADORE and cannot even believe that they are friends with me i love them so much.  yet despite this evidence to the contrary, i still remain holding my imaginary clipboard.

as i consider it, i know that part of this process is not likely to change.  i clearly am not going to know everyone the minute they approach me.  however, what i can control are the check boxes i am using to make my initial determinations.  what things SHOULD be on the form that i am filling out about each new person i encounter?  that is a tricky one.

when i lived in dc, i dated a guy who lived in new york.  i thought it was interesting that the first question that everyone asked in dc was “where do you work?”   employment, and by extension education and intelligence, was the most important check box.  in new york, it was “where do you live?”  location with all its implied meaning was the easiest way to sort people. in college, we sorted by fraternity.  we assumed that you could tell the most about someone based on what house they chose.

it always intrigued me.   how can one MEANINGFULLY sort people?  what bits of information will tell me the things that i need to know to sort people into manageable groups?  what i really want to do is to see how everyone treats a waiter and an older person and someone they don’t like.  see everyone in an airport right after their flight is delayed.  unfortunately, it’s unlikely that i am going to be able to convince someone serving drinks, turning 85 and annoying to everyone to be with me at all times in an airport setting.   selfish octogenarian servers.

but, back to the form, here are the check boxes i am considering:

1. do they seem to love grace too?
2. are they kind to other people?
3. is what they say engaging?  funny?  (sorry, kiddos, but funny stays!)
4. have they seen the princess bride?  follow project runway?  enjoy mexican food and the specialty cocktail? (it can’t all be high brow, my loves!)

i’ll let you know how my experiment works.  how i do replacing totally archaic measuring sticks like weight and social class and race with things that might actually let me know if this person is someone i might enjoy.  i feel like i am turning in my abacus and getting a graphing calculator.   (rock ON sine and cosine!)  i know it will take some work to recognize the assumptions i make and dismiss them. but a worthy effort to stop seeing people as part of a GROUP and start see them as just one soul.  the way i hope they see me too.

so, here goes. 

what would be on your list?   what are you using now?  let me know. 

after rereading, i realize there is not an undertone of grace anywhere in this discussion.  so I will need to remember that too.  that my assessment will need to have a wide margin for error and a lot of room to move.   even if it makes me nervous to like more than eight people simultaneously.   because if you can’t be gracious when you are arbitrarily judging people, when can you?

   quick note:

i am taking a blogging class.  because having a job and being a mother and even starting a new business did not keep me as overwhelmed as i like to be, i am adding this.  i tell you that to say that hopefully, as a result of my learning, my blog will be getting better.   i would love it if you would let me know the things that you love and hate about my blog.  all comments are encouraged!  i promise you will not hurt my feelings.  in fact, you can use the new “talk to me” link if you want to chime in!