so, i have been thinking over the last few days about what a prickly pear i have become.  i get so irritable so fast.  any little thing can make me into a bear (and not a friendly singing one).  so, then i start thinking…have i always been so prickly?  i think not.  if not, what brought me to this prickly place?  when did i turn into a cactus?  i live in a very tropical environment.  clearly, external factors are not the problem.

i want to think that it’s because i have set such high expectations for myself.  i always read blogs that read “don’t be so hard on yourself.  don’t worry if you can’t be the BEST MOM EVER!  you’re great!”  i know this isn’t true.  i haven’t set amazing standards for myself.  i am fine being OK.   so then i think “maybe i take on too much”.  again, clearly not.  i have a totally reasonable lot on my plate.  i read an amazingly lot of books.  i sleep a ridiculous amount.  clearly, this is not the source of the irritation.   although i wish these were the reasons because those would definitely not reflect on me so poorly as the truth probably will!

during all this pondering, i keep flashing in mind to that terrible woman from the post office.  the one in line behind you who is bitching about every. single. thing.  bitching about the cost of stamps.  bitching about how long it takes to get to the front.    you wonder how many years she has until she has a heart attack.  and then she starts bitching about the fact that she hates the green that they use on the form and you just want to start laughing about how much WORK it must take to be that irritable.  and then you realize like 2 hours later that you are turning into her.   not that you hate green (who can hate GREEN?), but just that you are REALLY getting irritable.  you are totally turning into a prickly pear.

which of course makes me jump into a rendition of the bear necessities. baloo sings “when you eat the prickly pear, don’t use the paw.  when you pick the pear, gotta use the claw!”  EGAD!  i don’t want to require the CLAW.  i don’t want people to worry that they are going to have to hug this cactus. sweet pickles, how has this happened?

after seemingly endless thought, the only thing i could come up with was this…i have set unreasonable expectations for those AROUND me.  that the grace that i want to extend to anyone and everyone all the time in small bits and large bits because there is enough for everyone i have been forgetting to give to those that are the closest to me.  i haven’t been pausing in moments to let grace slip into me so that it can flow out to others. it makes me sad to think that i could be so selfish that i expect small children and candidates for sainthood (vin) pander to me, but maybe i just am.

but maybe not.  not maybe i’ve been becoming a prickly pear (that is for damn sure), but maybe not this is why.  maybe it’s because i think too much.  (let’s hope not.  what would i blog?  i don’t have recipes.  i don’t have parenting tips!  i only have thoughts.)

so to the discussions.  are you finding  yourself getting pricklier as you get older?  is it a natural byproduct of around the eye lines?  no?  if you also suffer from determititus prickiess, have you identified the seed?   since i have been thinking about this, prickly pears have been EVERYWHERE.  even a show the little people were watching was called “the prickly pair.”  clearly it is a theme for me.  is it a theme for you?  any insight is appreciated.

i need to figure it out.  i need to get to the bottom of this mystery.  because i want the only reference to prickly pears to be in animated songs and margarita orders.  prickly pear margaritas (esp. in san antonio with one of my favorite friends) are one of my favorite drinks.  i want to sit and drink one with grace flowing from me while nothing AT ALL makes me prickly.  with an exterior that is lovely and smooth (and with the fewest possible around the eye lines).  so here is my game plan.  i am going to stop each time that i feel prickly and wonder why i am that way.  think about how to NOT be so.  and then have a prickly pear margarita.    let’s do it together.