it’s odd.  death is literally surrounding me. not MY death, but it seems everywhere that i look death is present.  our neighbor on one side is moving closer to death every day after years of living with skin cancer now throughout his body.  our neighbor on the other side just lost his mother.    we went thursday to the wake.  last saturday, vin got an email that his grandfather is probably not long with us. this saturday, while vin was on the way to say goodbye, he died.  literally, death is to the left, the right and above.

frankly, even with all this death, i haven’t felt very DEEP. i haven’t felt very thoughtful.  (translation:  i haven’t felt very FULL OF THOUGHT.)  but i feel like i should be.  i should use these markers to remember that life is short.  so here is what i am going to undertake.  i am going to decide what i want people to say about me AFTER.  at my funeral , i want to determine what i want people to say, to think and to reflect about my life lived.  then i want to make that happen.  i want them to have no choice but to remember the me i have so artfully created.  i have also decided i want this picture to be in the slide show.  it is so descriptive of christmas and my sister.

so, first step is to determine what person i want to be.  a friend of mine, kristofer, who is remarkably charming and, evidenced by this next bit, amazingly gracious posted recently to his facebook about me.  as i read his post about me, i was so moved.  his description of me was so kind and so full of delightful memories.  but i also noted that he was certainly describing my BEST self.  my IDEAL self.  not the every day self that i typically am.   i would love if, at the end, EVERYONE described me thus.  that they would have absolutely no option but to describe that person.  so, how do i become the girl described so thoughtfully (considerately, in this usage) in that facebook post?  how do i become my IDEAL self?

a book i am reading, jesus feminist*, describes the act of practicing.  the writer likens practicing behavior like one would practice scales.  the more and more one does something, the easier, more fluid and more natural it becomes.  i can certainly be a witness to the opposite being true.  why am i a non-player of the guitar?  i hated to practice.  i hated to sit by myself and play things that seemed boring.  why was my friend dave so superior?  because he did.  things that were really hard for me to play were easy for him.   so, i can certainly witness to the fact that practice indeed makes perfect.   so, what am i perfecting?

according to my children, “angry mom” would probably make the list.  recently, in order to work on fine motor skills, my 5-year-old and i were drawing stick people.  so he was drawing daddy, and cricket, and me.  the 4-year-old (or NEARLY 4) cricket says “don’t draw her angry.”  helicopter responded with a nod…as if he would add that to his thoughts on the project.  and i said, “i am not always angry.”  and she said, ” not ALL the time.”   icky.  but she’s right.  i am not always angry.  but i am practicing.  so that angry is becoming easier and more fluid.

it’s not all bad at casa rich-e-rich.  i am certainly practicing some things that are worthy.  i am practicing to remember that i am NOT the center of the universe (i have a good bit of help on this one including two preschoolers and one amazingly needy great dane).   i am practicing being more thoughtful (full of thought again) about my responses and in my world view.  i am learning to listen.  sometimes i am learning to listen to the same thing again and again and again (see aforementioned preschoolers). but i want this season of death to begin INTENTIONALITY about the things i am practicing.  so here is my list:

1. i want to rely on the fruits of the Spirit:  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  when i feel like i am becoming a dragon, i want to rely on those fruits…peace, patience, goodness…that God has promised are already in me.  when i want just ONE MORE COKE ZERO, i want to remember that i am person who already possesses self-control.
2. i want to be defined by grace.  i want to assume the best when i meet someone.  i want to always give someone the benefit of the doubt.   i want to be a place where people can retreat when they need a moment.
3. i want to do things ON PURPOSE.  because God has called me to do them.  because they need to be done.  because they would make the world a better place to be in.  because the more beauty, the better.

so, here comes the tough part.  the practicing.  the sitting in situations where i want to be the opposite of those things and doing the ones for which i want to be remembered.   having someone be judgey of someone that i love and remembering that they too have hurty places that they are defending.  answering with grace rather than a quick snark.   choosing to do things not just because they are easy for me or because they seem natural but because they are WORTH DOING.  drinking water instead of coke zero.  because i am person of self-control and someone who does things on purpose.  being patient with my children because patience already resides in me.  and when they are being dragons, they probably need patience more than they need me growling at them.

i’ll let you know how it goes.  and i encourage you to do the same.  to think about how you would like to speak of you when your time here is through.  what do you hope that they say?  who do you hope they remember?  then start to practice.  like scales.  day in and day out.  time and time again.  when you are discouraged, you can remember that i am probably facing the same hurdles in my scales.  to make it more fun,  you can even, like me, begin to determine what silly photos you would like to be included.

in addition to having kristofer sing at my funeral (and i at his), i am hoping that after all this practicing i will deserve the description that he included:  In short, Elizabeth lives out her life like someone trying to authentically follow Jesus–with compassion and sacrifice and grace and love. And she does it in ways that are organic and fun and creative and practical and real.

let’s hope practice at least makes CLOSER TO PERFECT for me!

*i have only read two chapters, but this book is SUPER thought provoking.  you should try it!