i am thinking about something that is totally sinking my ship.  not totally sinking me (i am definitely UNsunk at the moment), but it definitely makes the water seem much deeper.  comparisons.   they’re just so easy to do.  targets for comparison ABOUND.  other moms at preschool.  other people’s kids at preschool.  people who work in my industry.  people who work in other industries but seem amazingly more successful.  people who are listed in magazines as being awesome by my age.  way awesomer than i could hope to be at any age.  bloggers who have 100,000 followers instead of 12.  (i love ALL TWELVE of you!  each and every one!)  bloggers in other industries who have moderately successful preschool children at my age.  the list goes on and on.

universally comparisons are pretty damaging.  every one thinks so.  even when I have the upper hand in the comparison, when i am the WINNER!  UNDISPUTED WINNER! of some asinine comparative point i have chosen, i still feel like a loser.  because usually i have beaten down some poor undeserving soul to win the “best blue toe polish” trophy.   or elbowed out another weary heart to be crowned “the one whose kid only THREW something at another rather than beat the other kids to a bloody pulp.”  so, even victory is complicated.

so i started asking myself the KEY question.  how does i stop?  how do i even moderate my comparisons?   it seems so impossible in this age of social media to avoid sizing up next to all those around me.  then sizing up myself against their measurements.  or at least the measures that i can make through my limited exposure.  then it hit me. (you can tell i am one for the striking revelation.)  the only way i can change this habit is to change at what i am looking.  or at least HOW i am looking.

while i realize those last few sentences make me sound like a peeping Tom, let me explain.   (in my head, i just said that in inigo montoya’s accent*.  “let me explain.  no, there is too much.  let me sum up.”)  here’s my sum up.  i need to see things not as adversarial or as competitive, but as God sees them.  fellow travelers.  the other mom at preschool isn’t actually trying to win anything.  there is not, in fact, a trophy for the best blue toe polish.  (at least not one of which i am aware.)  she is a fellow traveler.  the woman in the magazine who is awesome at 25 and who helps haiti in ways i couldn’t DREAM of helping is actually helping make haiti a better place.  a fellow traveler.    there isn’t a limited amount of goodness in this world.  people aren’t going to win it instead of me.   each traveler has her pack to carry and her skills to get there.  grace is unlimited, so i shouldn’t be trying to edge out others to make sure i get mine.   i need to look for ways to work TOGETHER, grow TOGETHER, enjoy life TOGETHER.  i bet i am surprised.  as i make sure that all the travelers have the grace we need, we will all end up with more.

i realized also that i also need to keep my eyes on the giver of grace.  there is an old church song (i don’t think it actually qualifies as a hymn so old church song it is) that says that if you turn your eyes on Jesus…look full in His wonderful face…the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace. i realize that if i turn my eyes on the source of grace, then the other things will grow strangely dim.  i won’t be able to see as clearly the toe polish on the person next to me.  or her beautiful homemade seasonal teacher’s gifts.   i will only see a face reflecting back unlimited grace that we can both share.

* from the princess bride.  if you haven’t, see it.  classic.