it has been an awful, terrible, no good, very bad day.  why?  no reason.  the only real thing that has been awful and terrible and no good and very bad is me.   i woke up in a terrible mood.   i remain in a terrible mood.  i don’t feel well, but it is a small thing compared to just all the other ickiness swirling within.

why?  you wonder.  or maybe you don’t.  but i do.  why have i been snapping at these children who, although today do not seem delightful to me, are delightful in a very objective sense?   why have i been feeling the weight of all my “responsibilities” and “chores”?   not ONE of these things is in the LEAST life changing or even important to more than like three people.   yet they make me feel so overwhelmed that the very thought of another piece of halloween paraphernalia is giving me hives.   the thought of piecing together two grown up costumes that not ONE person will likely notice is making feel like i am solely responsible for the end of conflict in the world.  nutty, i know.

i want to blame the feeling of being out of my element.  motherhood/wifehood/executive directorship all still feel like camps that i am attending rather than home.  but i don’t think i would even RECOGNIZE my element at this point.  it is something totally common like carbon?  something like gold?  it is even a SOLID?   who can know.

there is no excuse for me to be such a black cloud today.   at about 3, i tried to choose happiness (something i believe in very strongly) and i just failed.  with GUSTO, i failed.  but i have not given up.  i am going to try on the hour to continue to make that choice.  to choose happiness.  to open the faucet of God’s grace into my darkened heart.  luckily for those around, it is 4:59 as i type.   my next opportunity to successfully choose happiness is just around the corner.   at 6:00, i get to leave the house to have dinner out.    by then, chance of success should be skyrocketing.  by seven, i will have a cocktail in my hand and be surrounded by spots of sunshine.   spots of sunshine who can order their own food, cut their own bites, and who don’t openly bicker about who last touched the worthless coins sitting in a glass.   and who are also delightful (some even read the blog!!) possibility of failure will be practically non-existent.

i am hoping your days are black cloud free.  tomorrow, i am hoping for a sunny new day without any chance of clouds.   and i hope this is the last awful, terrible, no good, very bad day for quite a while.  i am too realistic to think it the last, but here’s to hoping to the last for a long while.